letters I can’t send (#1 of 3)
photo credit: Debby Hudson @hudsoncrafted
“Mountaintops are for views and inspiration, but fruit is grown in the valleys.” ~Billy Graham
We all know the sayings “if I could live my life over” or “if I had it all to do over again I would…fill in the blank, but all of us also know the truth, we can’t do either of those. We only get to be in our teens, our twenties, our thirties, and so on, once. We only get to take this journey one time, and none of us know how many trips around the sun we will have.
I often think we live life backwards. By the time we have the wisdom to avoid the stupid decisions we make in youth, it’s too late. We’ve already made them, and heaven forbid we listen to anyone older and likely wiser than ourselves. No matter how many times the older generations try to share their wisdom in an effort to spare the younger generations of making many of the same mistakes made in their youth, most of us won’t listen.
This past year, reading through the Bible I saw just how stubborn we can be. God will allow us to make our choices, even from a place of rebellion.
Psalm 81:12 tells us, “So I gave them over to their stubborn hearts to follow their own devices.” And Psalm 106:43, ” Many times He rescued them, but they were bent on rebellion and sank down in their iniquity.”
It’s true that because of our sinful nature, we are rebellious people, and God, while His plans will always be brought to fruition, either through you, or in spite of you, He does allow us to get in the way of His plans for us. We can miss the full extent of what He desires for us by our rebellion, just look at Moses, King Saul, Jonah, and King David to name just a few.
Fortunately, I have lived long enough to learn that God is faithful. He can and will redeem our lives if we allow Him. He brings beauty from ashes, but He will also allow us the valleys of life to shape and mold us, and the mountaintops to see His work in our lives and to glean inspiration from our valleys.
Nothing is wasted with God.
In the Pain to Purpose bible study with Davey Blackburn, we study the life of King David, and Davey points out that maybe each place God had placed David was part of a developmental process. In fact, I love the analogy Davey uses here. He says, “maybe like a photograph, he [King David] needed to go into a “darkroom” to be developed. If he had been exposed to “the light” too early, it would have ruined the picture God was imprinting on his life. Perhaps in our “in the meantime” places, God is doing the same.”
Our lives are no different, our youth and our days are not wasted if we allow God to use them to shape our future.
Our life is preparation for our ultimate assignments God has for each of us.
Wouldn’t it be something if we could have letters in our youth, written to us from our wiser, more mature, and refined selves, letters that could show us that fully developed picture of what our lives would one day look like, and that could encourage us to see things through a better lens.
Here’s what mine would say to me. Maybe others can relate.
Dear Younger, Me,
As you are stepping out into this huge world, gaining the freedom you have believed you were ready for since you were sixteen, I wish I could tell you your life was going to be beautiful and free of any pain, one exciting adventure after another, and full of easy lessons, and endless fun, but unfortunately no one escapes this world without pain or trials.
You are going to make decisions at nineteen that will forever impact your life and destroy the faith and confidence you have in Jesus for quite a few years. You are going to say and do things that give the enemy a foothold on your life and your decisions because you are going to make decisions that go against what you know is right and wrong.
That sin will bring a deep sense of shame and darkness that will pull you away from Jesus and put you in bondage for many years, because you believe you deserve less than God’s best. You will believe God is punishing you for your sin, instead of seeing it as consequences for sin. Your faith is based on legalism right now and not accountability, grace, mercy, or redemption.
God will begin working out your faith and making it yours while you learn that consequences of sin is God’s love for us, not the way you see Him now as this authoritarian ruler just waiting to zap you for everything you do wrong. You will eventually overcome all the lies you are believing, but it takes years. Keep fighting. God does redeem your past.
Because of this, that feeling you have had since you were a little girl, that feeling that God had a very special plan for you? He does, but it’s going to be delayed. You are going to get in His way of that and yes, He does allow us to do that because that is how He refines us.
Remember where The Bible tells of many who “got in God’s way,” Moses, King Saul, Jonah, and King David, and yet, in the end, His will prevailed. It will be the same for you.
You are such people pleaser right now and you try so hard to please everyone, but you never seem to hit all the marks. That need to please is going to break you down the road. You are going to have many hurtful trials because you seek affirmation from all the wrong places, but God will continue to pursue you because He sees your heart. God will restore these years.
You are going to be so confused by people during your early adult years, especially at college. For the most part, you aren’t going to really fit in. You are not the party girl, but yet you wonder what is wrong with you. You can’t figure out why you don’t care about partying or staying out all night, or any of the “normal” things college kids do.
photo credit: Jaredd Craig @jareddc
You are going to waste so much time wondering what is wrong with you. I wish you knew, there is nothing wrong with you! You are an old soul, and you are ashamed of that, but don’t be. There’s nothing wrong with who you are. I wish you could believe that truth now, but good news, you embrace it later.
You will find “your happy place” performing and singing with the Purduettes and it will be your absolute favorite thing you do your entire college career.
You will over commit, and book your schedule trying to prove to yourself and others that you are superwoman, you don’t need rest, and you aren’t stressed when really you are exhausted and stressed to the max. So much so, your body begins to suffer the consequences of stress and exhaustion. Stop trying to escape your sin. Stop trying to be someone you aren’t. Return to your foundation. Remember who you are in Christ.
College is going to be difficult from a learning perspective. You are going to be challenged academically, but you will do just fine because you are disciplined and will manage to find the help you need, and you will graduate in a little over three years with your bachelors so don’t worry.
I wish you could stop trying so hard to grow up and relax and enjoy more of your youth.
You are going to live way too many years, all for others, what others want for you, other’s expectations of you, not wanting to let anyone down, you will forfeit your desires even for things you know in your gut are not right for you, just to make another happy. You will completely chase the dreams and ideals that others think you should be chasing simply because you do not understand who YOU are or even what YOU want because you have always lived to please others.
Good news! You do overcome this, but it takes a few years.
photo credit: Nigel Tadyanehondo @nxvision
You are going to learn so many painful lessons about boundaries and how important they are in all aspects of life. You are going to learn how unfair passive aggressive behavior is and how it negatively has impacted you and your life, and you are going to learn that as Brené Brown says, “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.”
Trust me, you do learn these lessons and they eventually are a massive benefit to you.
You are going to harm your body with all the crazy fad diets, diet pills, and over the top exercise, and buying into all the lies that you are never good enough, skinny enough, or pretty enough. You are going to continually compare yourself to all your smaller girlfriends which is such an unfair comparison. I wish you could see how being athletically built and strong is beautiful and not shameful or disgusting.
Younger me, you are going to get married much too young. You are going to lose your father unexpectedly, and much too early, shortly after your wedding, and that is going to hit you hard. You are going to feel as though your life is spinning out of control in your 20’s but keep fighting. You will get through all of it.
You are going to struggle in your marriage. It’s going to be really hard and nothing like you thought it would be like. You are not going to be or feel loved, and you will discover later the reasons for that, but in the midst of it you are going to believe everything is your fault and that you are crazy because that is what abuse does, it breaks you down and destroys your self-confidence. Add to that, you are a people pleaser, so you are always willing to place blame for all things on yourself.
You will overcome all of this, I promise.
You are going to get to be a mom of three amazing little boys and they are going to be your saving grace. Their little hearts and souls, unbeknownst to you, are going to be what help pull you out of the darkness and bondage of lies you have been living in for too many years. Your desire to be the mom they need will start to remove the veil of lies you’ve been under.
photo credit: Alex Pasarelu @bellefoto
You are going to be broken. God is literally going to bring you to your knees. You are going to uncover years of lies and betrayals. You are going to feel like your whole marriage was a lie, and you are going to end up in a divorce, and a single mom for many, many years, but I promise you, God brings beauty from those ashes and restores your life.
Dear younger me, I wish you could see who you are before the enemy steals these years from you by filling your head full of lies and making you believe you were less than all God made you to be. I wish you would trust your gut; God has given you very good intuition. Be yourself, stop comparing yourself to other’s and to other’s standards. Don’t be ashamed of being an old soul, and STOP feeling so obligated to please everyone else.
How I wish you didn’t have to learn these hard lessons coming your way, but I promise you, you are going to laugh again, and be happy, and you will find tremendous joy even through the struggles. Oh, I cannot wait for you to know how God cleanses, heals, and repairs your broken heart, and fills you with His living water that you get to one day pour into the lives of others walking the journey you are walking now.
One day, when you are older, and you are walking through dark days, you are going to hear some well-meaning person say to you that God never gives us more than we can handle. Know that is not biblical truth. In this broken world, we will certainly experience more than we can humanly handle, but that is why we need God and His power and strength in us through Jesus. Jesus sustains us in our trials.
This is biblical truth, “The will of God will not take us where the grace of God cannot sustain us.” ~ Billy Graham
You are about to learn this truth throughout the decade of your thirties. You are going to discover that the “random” invitation to join Bible Study Fellowship a few years back in Kansas, was not so random after all.
Dear Thirty something, soon to be single Mom, I can’t wait to tell you about that decade in our next letter.
Set free & redeemed,
Your 50 something you
Dear Younger Me, Song by MercyMe
Dear younger me
Where do I start
If I could tell you everything that I have learned so far
Then you could be
One step ahead
Of all the painful memories still running thru my head
I wonder how much different things would be
Dear younger me,
Dear younger me
I cannot decide
Do I give some speech about how to get the most out of your life
Or do I go deep
And try to change
The choices that you'll make cuz they're choices that made me
Even though I love this crazy life
Sometimes I wish it was a smoother ride
Dear younger me, dear younger me
If I knew then what I know now
Condemnation would've had no power
My joy my pain would've never been my worth
If I knew then what I know now
Would've not been hard to figure out
What I would've changed if I had heard
Dear younger me
It's not your fault
You were never meant to carry this beyond the cross
Dear younger me
You are holy
You are righteous
You are one of the redeemed
Set apart a brand-new heart
You are free indeed
Every mountain every valley
Thru each heartache you will see
Every moment brings you closer
To who you were meant to be
Dear younger me, dear younger me
You are holy
You are righteous
You are one of the redeemed
Set apart a brand-new heart
You are free indeed
Songwriters: Barry Graul / Bart Millard / Ben Glover / David Garcia / Michael Scheuchzer / Nathan Cochran / Robby Shaffer
Dear Younger Me lyrics © Capitol CMG Publishing, Essential Music Publishing, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd., Spirit Music Group
