peace
“We are not at peace with others because we are not at peace with ourselves, and we are not at peace with ourselves because we are not at peace with God.” ~Thomas Merton
I thought I understood God’s peace, and that I was living it to the best of my ability under our circumstances, but in 2008…
What does the word peace mean to you? Believe it or not, worldly peace and God’s peace are very different things. Did you realize that peace, is another part of God’s armor? I spoke about the belt of truth in last week’s writing, but there are multiple pieces of armor God tells us we must be suited up in to withstand the enemy’s attacks, and peace is part of that “suit.”
“(14) Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, (15) and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.” (Ephesians 6:10-18 The Armor of God)
God knows how deceitful the enemy is, and He knows that Satan loves to trip us up and keep us peaceless. If he can keep us in angst and misery, we are fruitless, not only individually, but relationally as well. Satan knows where there is no peace there is no victory, and anywhere peace is lacking the enemy is at work. He knows internal instability can keep us from being clearheaded. “He knows that turbulence and distance in our relationships will expose us to accusations of hypocrisy and lead us into misguided battles-causes we were never meant to fight for, hills we were never meant to die on.” (Priscilla Shirer, Armor of God study)
Don’t believe the above statement by Shirer? Look at our world right now. Is there peace? Are many leaders leading with a clear head? Has this past year created unbelievable division, and not just in the world, in this country, but especially in our individual relationships, our families, and our churches? What about the hypocrisy? Isn’t it rampant? How about those misguided battles-causes we were never meant to fight? Hello social media!! As Christians, we should fight our battles on our knees. I would say Satan has declared war and because we (the world) is not at peace with God, there is no peace.
God’s peace is more than just the absence of conflict. It’s more than having a smooth life without challenges. It’s more than a state of inner tranquility. It is a state of wholeness and completeness that can only come through a personal relationship with Christ.
According to the Bible, the peace of God, “which transcends all understanding,” is the harmony and calmness of body, mind, and spirit that, (and this is key), supersedes earthly circumstances.
Basically, what this means to me is that with God’s peace, we will have the inner strength and courage to stand firmly planted in the midst of the enemy’s attacks. The storms will come, and the winds will blow against us, but because our foundation is in Him, we will experience peace. A peace that we cannot even explain.
I am sure you have heard of stories, or possibly even know people who have been through tremendous struggles and still have a calm spirit and can genuinely say, “It is well with my soul.” THAT, my friends, is the peace that passes all understanding. With God’s peace we will be secure in knowing we are shielded in Him, and we will experience the inner confidence and calmness, in the depths our souls, in the midst of our chaos, no matter what, and the only word/name we can use to explain our peace, is Jesus!
I thought I understood this kind of peace, and that I was living it to the best of my ability under our circumstances, but in 2008, just when I thought my life/our life could not possibly get one bit more stressful, the joke was on me. This was the year I really learned what it means to have peace, the peace that passes all understanding, the peace you know is from God because on your own, you don’t have it in you to handle one more thing and still be solid and grounded. Yet, you stand.
I was working at Wiley Publishing in Indianapolis, Indiana. I had been in a sales position with Wiley since being hired in 2005. I was still in the throes of adjusting to divorced life, being a single Mom with sole custody, financial struggles, dealing with my pain and betrayal, trying to help my sons with the challenges they were facing, their hurt, the alternate weekend visitations, and the stresses those weekends brought. I was moving past some medical issues I had dealt with for quite some time, and the kicker, I was experiencing intense discrimination in my job. I had a boss who wanted me out. I wasn’t the only one that had problems with her, many, many people came and went under her management, but she specifically targeted me. She knew I needed my job and couldn’t afford to lose it, and she knew under the circumstances, there was less likely to be lawsuit if the company got rid of me over her. Suffice it to say, the level of stress this added, was incredible! Still, I felt like I was holding it together and was living in God’s peace and stillness.
But then came the proverbial straw…
We had returned from the first vacation the kids and I had taken in years. The entire trip I just didn’t feel well. Things were just off. I got a cold sore, which I had never had before, I was chilled even though we were at the beach, and the last day we were there, all my tastebuds got infected. I could barely talk. It hurt for my tongue to hit my teeth they were that sore! While driving home, I began experiencing this severe shooting pain from the back of my head to my sinuses, across my left cheekbone, and into my left ear. It was excruciating. I convinced myself it was only a sinus infection that was agitated because we were driving in the mountains and the altitude was triggering the nerve. However, once we were out of the mountains the attacks did not go away, but they were less frequent.
By the time we were back in Indiana, the episodes had subsided, and I took the boys for their weekend with their Dad. The rest of the evening I had intermittent “attacks” that were so intense I took a tennis ball and pressed it against my cheekbone below my eye to relieve the nerve pain. Friday morning, I went to my family physician who told me I had thrush, gave me a mouth rinse and some meds, and sent me home.
Long story short, I woke up Saturday morning and thought I had suffered a stroke. I could tell immediately the left side of my face was paralyzed. I couldn’t shut my left eye. I couldn’t feel the left side of my nose, mouth or tongue, and my neck was tingly. When I looked in the mirror, I realized I was not dreaming. I indeed looked like I had suffered a stroke.
I knew my sister Machell had worked that night in the ER at St. V’s, and I was able to call her. Although she had worked the night shift, she stayed after her shift to care for me. 😊 (Don’t feel too sorry for her though. She got to give me a mother of a stinging shot in the butt, and in my humble opinion, she enjoyed that way too much!) Through all of this I remember having a strange sense of peace, this sense that no matter what, I was going to be fine. It didn’t take long to learn that the peace I was living in, was my peace. Not God’s peace. God’s peace was about to get real and personal.
After several tests it was determined that fortunately, I did not have a stroke, but I had Bell’s Palsy (BP). BP is a virus that attacks the seventh cranial nerve and causes stroke-like paralysis which can potentially be permanent. I was sent home with medication, heavy steroids, an eye patch with ointment for my eye, instructions on trying to prevent damage to the eye due to dryness and the inability to blink or shut it which could result in blindness, and a referral to a neurologist for tests to rule out other possible causes/problems.
The whole way home the lyrics of the old hymn below, repeatedly played in my head. I tried to convince myself the words of this song were true. I desperately wanted this to be my truth right now!
When peace like a river attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul
It is well, with my soul.
It is well, it is well with my soul (Horatio G. Spafford, It is Well)
I won’t lie. In this moment, things were not well with my soul, and I couldn’t imagine they ever would be again. This just might be the final straw I thought. I looked like a stroke victim. I had to accept that this might be a permanent way of life for me now. I might lose my eyesight in one eye. My speech might be affected by this if my mouth doesn’t regain muscle tone. How will I keep my sales job to provide for my sons? How would my sons react to this? To me? How would my family, friends, colleagues, strangers see me now? Folks, if you think you aren’t vain, I’ll challenge you on that. I never thought I was, until I looked like a stroke victim and the possibility of this being my “new normal.”
I had to figure out a way to deal with/accept this.
I’m a “take the bull by the horns” kind of gal, but this one knocked me down, and I couldn’t get back up on my own. I couldn’t find peace in this one.
After leaving the ER, I spent the day in intense prayer, anger, and wrestling with God. By the time Saturday evening came around, I knew the first step I had to take. I had to go out in public. I had to be seen “this way.” God made it clear to me that I had to own this so the enemy couldn’t use this to take me down. But first, I had to be sure my sons got to see me before anyone else and not in front of everyone else. Their first “look” couldn’t be in public. That was heart breaking, and even today, I can’t talk about that moment because it’s, well I just can’t.
Sunday morning, I pulled my hair back in a tight ponytail, so no hair was hiding my face. I did my makeup, as best I could, given the challenge of the paralysis. (Imagine clown make-up, kind of smudged and completely missing the left side of my lips because they were numb, then add a patched left eye.) I felt like a cross between a clown and pirate.
I can joke now, but trust me, it was gut wrenching at that time. I picked my boys up from their Dads and walked into church holding my head high, facing my fear head on. I can assure you, THAT, was not me in this situation.
The peace to take that step and to move forward and not isolate myself, THAT was the peace of God. That peace was the “It is well with my soul,” kind of peace that I am referring to here. This is the peace you want, not of your own strength, but of God. The peace that passes ALL understanding. The peace, not of this world, is the peace that empowered me to own it and move forward.
It took over six weeks before I could stop taping my eye shut at night, wearing my eye patch during the day, for me to be able to eat without making a mess, and for my speech to become more and more understandable due to the paralysis. I consider myself incredibly blessed. While it was twelve weeks from that day in the ER to ~95% healing, God taught me the difference between a worldly idea of peace, and His peace that supersedes earthly circumstances. While I am very grateful for my recovery that left minimal permanent damage, the lesson God taught me about His peace in this trial, has served me well, not just as I walked through BP, but the trials He knew I was still yet to face.
Biblical peace is not something we can create on our own. It is a fruit of the Spirit. God is the source of peace. Spending time in God’s word and prayer are the only ways to know His peace.
This is my prayer for all of you. 24 “The Lord bless you and keep you; 25 the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; 26 the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.”
(Numbers 6:24-26)
Something to consider: Do you know God’s peace? Do you believe that knowing God’s peace affects your every interaction and reaction? Do you want to commit to do what it takes to know a peace that passes all understanding?
Music Suggestions: (Audrey Assad, It is Well With My Soul)
The Blessing with Kari Jobe & Cody Carnes | Live From Elevation Ballantyne
