why Not me

When all I see is the battle, You see my victory
When all I see is the mountain, You see a mountain moved
And as I walk through the shadow, Your love surrounds me
There's nothing to fear now for I am safe with You

So when I fight, I'll fight on my knees
With my hands lifted high
Oh God, the battle belongs to You
And every fear I lay at Your feet
I'll sing through the night
Oh God, the battle belongs to You

Phil Wickham - Battle Belongs

I want to begin by apologizing that many of you whom I consider very dear to me, are hearing this news in this manner but, it’s incredibly difficult to reach everyone individually. This is the best way for me to let my supporters/readers hear this from me.

Well folks, life is never short of its mysteries and challenges, and this past week was no exception. Friday, I rejoined a club I never wanted to rejoin again as long as I lived. Friday, November 11, 2022, at ~1:36 pm I was told my breast biopsy was malignant. I have breast cancer.

These are the times when our faith either shines or is snuffed out.

Hello, foxhole faith or living faith?

I got kicked out of the “C” club years ago after dealing with and overcoming cervical cancer. Praise God! I decided at that time that I was good to never be included in that club ever again, but as life would have it, I am now a part of the breast cancer club. We don’t have many details at this point. We don’t know what stage, or my receptor status, if there’s lymph node involvement or not, other organs, nothing, but what we do know is, it’s real.

There is good news though, we believe we got it early. Here’s my plug for annual mammograms ladies! I get mine faithfully each year and this is exactly how this tumor was found. I could not feel it nor was there any indication it was present. Get your mamos!!

As I type these words it feels so strange to be using them in reference to myself, but isn’t that how these things roll? They lift us out of our normal and thrust us into a state of surreal. It’s like we are floating outside our bodies hearing someone talking to us about serious things, but the view is foggy, and the words sound muffled at best.

What I have found through this process, this induction into the C club this time around compared to 20 years ago, is that the depth and maturity of my faith far surpasses that rocky faith of the young thirty something, freshly broken, and newly singled mom. I remember how angry I was. I remember thinking over and over how unfair this is, and the constant why me? Why me? I was so scared and angry that I could not find peace.

This time, not that I am not frustrated, and sad, and scared when I think about it, but this time I have a peace that passes all human explanation and understanding. I have the peace that can only come from the hand of God and be attributed to the rock who is my anchor. This time I can testify to the benefit of our faith moving beyond the faith of our parents or child-like faith to an intimate, personal faith with our Abba, Father, God our creator.

“until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.
Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. 15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.” Ephesians 4:1315 NIV

I’ve said it over and over in practically all of my blogs, in this life, we will all have trials. No one escapes this life without pain or struggles, but we don’t have to go it alone. Hard times make us bitter or better. That’s really the only choice we have in all of it. How will we navigate them? What can we learn from them? Will we grow closer to God, or will we dig our heels in and get angry and bitter?

This time, I don’t find myself thinking, why me?

I have also said in many blogs, that God is not a God of coincidence, and I cannot help but smile when I look back at the topics He has brought to mind for me to write about the past few weeks, foxhole faith or living faith, from mess to message, when hope lived within, these were not random topics, these were reminders not just for you, but for me. God was preparing my heart for what is around the corner. He is reminding me that these are the times when our faith either shines or is snuffed out.

When this whole process started to get real a couple of weeks ago, I told Greg (my hubby), that while I am praying for this to just be a scare and nothing more, that with age, life experiences, and a deeper faith, I don’t at all feel that anger or questioning that I did in my 30’s. I don’t find myself thinking, why me? This time, I am reminded of a sermon I heard quite a few years back that was delivered from my good friend and pastor Jeff Stone.

I honestly don’t even remember the title of the sermon, but the key point has resonated all these years. Jeff said, the question to ask ourselves in times of trials is not why me, but rather, why not me? Why not me over anyone else? Why should I think that my life should be trial and pain free over others?

I am not saying this to make anyone feel guilty, or ashamed if you are going through challenges and asking this question. This journey has just begun for me. Who knows, I might get to that point where I begin to ask why me, that’s a very human behavior. But this time I have a new way of looking at things. This time I can take into consideration the flip side of that question as well to keep it all in perspective.

I talked with Jeff this weekend to let him know of my recent diagnoses, as he and his wife have walked many long roads with me and my kids, and I asked him about that sermon. He told me that was actually a quote from the famous tennis player Arthur Ashe. After reading up on Ashe, I decide to just share this write up I found as I couldn’t do it any more justice than as it is written here.

The legendary Wimbledon player who was dying of AIDS, which he got due to infected blood he received during a heart surgery in 1983. He received letters from his fans, one of which conveyed:

"Why did God have to select you for such a bad disease?"

To this Arthur Ashe replied:

50 Million children started playing Tennis,

5 Million learnt to play Tennis,

500 Thousand learnt Professional Tennis,

50 Thousand came to Circuit,

5 Thousand reached Grand Slam,

50 reached Wimbledon,

4 reached the Semifinals,

2 reached the Finals and

when I was holding the cup in my hand, I never asked God:

"Why Me?"

So now that I'm in pain how can I ask God:

"Why Me?"

Happiness keeps you Sweet!

Trials keep you Strong!

Sorrows keep you Human!

Failure keeps you Humble!

Success keeps you Glowing!

But only, Faith keeps you Going!

Sometimes you are not satisfied with your life, while many people in this world are dreaming of living your life.

A child on a farm sees a plane fly overhead dreams of flying. but a pilot on the plane sees the farmhouse & dreams of returning home.

That's life!

Enjoy yours...

If wealth is the secret to happiness, then the rich should be dancing on the streets.
But only poor kids do that.

If power ensures security, then VIPs should walk unguarded.
But those who live simply, sleep soundly.

If beauty and fame bring ideal relationships, then celebrities should have the best marriages.
Live simply, be happy! Walk humbly and love genuinel

*Thanks to Sujat Shah, a very engaged reader of FR [friday reflections blog] and an incredible humble soul, from India for sharing this beautiful story. [sic] (This was all shared exactly as written.)

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV

“Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.” Jeremiah 17:7-8 NIV

God is in the details

foxhole faith or living faith