boundaries

loving from the sidelines

Who taught the sun where to stand in the morning?
And who told the ocean, you can only come this far?
And who showed the moon where to hide 'til evening?
Whose words alone can catch a falling star?

Nicole C Mullen: "Redeemer" (32nd Dove Awards)

Believe it or not, society did not create boundaries. God created boundaries when He created the world, when He separated the light from the darkness, when He separated the heavens from the earth, the water from the land, and when He performed many other miracles. In fact, the creation story is so fascinating and amazing, that trying to summarize it in just a few words doesn’t begin to do it justice.

The story of creation should be read in its full context in order to really grasp the value, the necessity for, and the reason for boundaries. Boundaries put things in perspective for us. They help us to understand limitations and danger. Boundaries provide healthy guidelines for living out our lives and dealing with ourselves and others.

Many people see boundaries as a huge negative, but the truth is, boundaries are just the opposite.

Boundaries are necessary for living a healthy balanced life, and for getting and giving respect.

Before moving on, let’s take a minute to read the beautiful and fascinating story of creation in Genesis 1 (NIV), where the very first boundaries were set.

1 In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. 2 The earth was without form and void, and darkness was over the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters.
3 And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. 4 And God saw that the light was good. And God separated the light from the darkness. 5 God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And there was evening and there was morning, the first day.
6 And God said, "Let there be an expanse in the midst of the waters, and let it separate the waters from the waters." 7 And God made the expanse and separated the waters that were under the expanse from the waters that were above the expanse. And it was so. 8 And God called the expanse Heaven. And there was evening and there was morning, the second day.
9 And God said, "Let the waters under the heavens be gathered together into one place, and let the dry land appear." And it was so. 10 God called the dry land Earth, and the waters that were gathered together he called Seas. And God saw that it was good. 11 And God said, "Let the earth sprout vegetation, plants yielding seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit in which is their seed, each according to its kind, on the earth." And it was so. 12 The earth brought forth vegetation, plants yielding seed according to their own kinds, and trees bearing fruit in which is their seed, each according to its kind. And God saw that it was good. 13 And there was evening and there was morning, the third day.
14 And God said, "Let there be lights in the expanse of the heavens to separate the day from the night. And let them be for signs and for seasons, and for days and years, 15 and let them be lights in the expanse of the heavens to give light upon the earth." And it was so. 16 And God made the two great lights--the greater light to rule the day and the lesser light to rule the night--and the stars. 17 And God set them in the expanse of the heavens to give light on the earth, 18 to rule over the day and over the night, and to separate the light from the darkness. And God saw that it was good. 19 And there was evening and there was morning, the fourth day.
20 And God said, "Let the waters swarm with swarms of living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the expanse of the heavens." 21 So God created the great sea creatures and every living creature that moves, with which the waters swarm, according to their kinds, and every winged bird according to its kind. And God saw that it was good. 22 And God blessed them, saying, "Be fruitful and multiply and fill the waters in the seas, and let birds multiply on the earth." 23 And there was evening and there was morning, the fifth day.
24 And God said, "Let the earth bring forth living creatures according to their kinds--livestock and creeping things and beasts of the earth according to their kinds." And it was so. 25 And God made the beasts of the earth according to their kinds and the livestock according to their kinds, and everything that creeps on the ground according to its kind. And God saw that it was good.
26 Then God said, "Let us make man[8] in our image, after our likeness. And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over the livestock and over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth." 27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. 28 And God blessed them. And God said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth."
29 And God said, "Behold, I have given you every plant yielding seed that is on the face of all the earth, and every tree with seed in its fruit. You shall have them for food. 30 And to every beast of the earth and to every bird of the heavens and to everything that creeps on the earth, everything that has the breath of life, I have given every green plant for food." And it was so.
31 And God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good. And there was evening and there was morning, the sixth day.
Genesis 1 (NIV)

Can you see all the necessary boundaries He established, right from the very beginning? Boundaries to prevent chaos, to define expectations and responsibilities, and to set in place, a structure for man to live by. How amazing that the very same God who created all things and set the first boundaries in place and gave us a conceptual foundation of boundaries for our protection, (separating the ocean from the land), is the very same God that gave us Jesus.

God gave us Jesus to be the cornerstone, on which we would build our lives. He is the light separating the darkness for us and the guide we are to use to measure our choices and behaviors by. He is our plumb line with which we are to set our boundary lines by.

Do you believe we live in a world that embraces boundaries? Personally, I see a world that rejects boundaries, especially God’s boundaries. People don’t like boundaries for several reasons.

Boundaries are structure.
They require discipline to live by.
They require accountability.
They often go against the human flesh, our wants our desires.
We find them too restricting.
They suck the fun out of life.
They require too much from us.

After all, isn’t the popular MO of today, “you be you, or you do you?” If we are to live by this modus operandi then we reject boundaries, boundaries for ourselves and the boundaries of others. This thought or way of life says take care of self, be you, do you, no matter what others think or feel, even if it might hurt you or others in the long run. You just do what feels good and makes you happy right now because life is too short to not treat ourselves to our wants and desires.

My son has asked me for space. He has asked me to respect his wishes to not communicate with him. This is not a boundary I welcome nor is it a boundary I embrace, but I am respecting it. This is a boundary that he believes he needs and whether I agree with it or not, I am called to honor it. It’s a boundary that is difficult for a parent who deeply loves and misses their child to honor.

If I lived by the MO of “you be you,” I would completely ignore his request because I would want to take care of my needs, my heart, no matter what that would mean to him and what he believes he needs.

If I lived by the MO of “you do you,” I would be crossing the line he has drawn, and likely be causing more damage to our already damaged relationship, possibly closing the door on any possibility of restoration at all. Respecting someone’s boundaries or living within the set of boundaries someone we love establishes for us, especially if they seem unjust or unfair, is often perceived as not caring for someone, or something, enough to fight for them or the relationship. Sometimes it is even perceived this way by the very same people who set the boundaries from the beginning, but that simply isn’t true.

Love understands and respects boundaries.

A good friend of mine summed it up well by saying, sometimes we have to love people from the sidelines. In an effort to show respect to my son’s wishes, I work hard to honor his desire for me not to try and contact him. This means I don’t get to “be me or do me,’ because as a mom who misses and loves her son, I want him to know I miss and love him. I want to tell him. I want to wish him happy birthday. Some tell me I should ignore his boundaries. I’m the mom after all. I can do what I want, and he should respect that, but I disagree.

At this time in our lives, we are both adults. He has every right to set boundaries, whether it is the right thing to do or not, and I will honor and respect his request, but he can’t stop me from loving him from the sidelines. He cannot stop me from praying for him, from thinking of him, or from writing letters and cards that one day I will either give to him, or someone else will when I pass.

“We can't manipulate people into swallowing our boundaries by sugarcoating them. Boundaries are a "litmus test" for the quality of our relationships. Those people in our lives who can respect our boundaries will love our wills, our opinions, our separateness. Those who can't respect our boundaries are telling us that they don't love our nos. They only love our yeses, our compliance. "I only like it when you do what I want.” ~ Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

Even if we have to love someone from the sidelines, boundaries are actually blessings. Sometimes they are the healthiest way for a person to heal, and for others to press on in a healthy manner.

God gave us the gift of boundaries. Yes, I intentionally called them a gift.

We weren’t told to avoid drunkenness because God didn’t want us to have fun. He set this boundary because drunkenness causes us to fall prey to sin much easier than being sober of mind. Drinking and drunkenness can lead to alcoholism which destroys lives, careers, homes, and families. This boundary is actually a gift.

God told us to avoid sex outside of marriage and sexual impurity because it can lead to diseases we might carry into our marriages, we can have unwanted pregnancies, which can lead to the death of an unborn child, and even if we don’t believe it, we carry our sexual pasts into our marriage beds which can affect our marriages. God’s boundaries are a gift.

Living without boundaries makes a mockery of God. If God believed boundaries were necessary when He created the earth, than not having boundaries or not honoring boundaries makes a mockery of the lines God has drawn for us, and God will not be made a mockery of. If we live by the MO, “you be you, or you do you,” to satisfy our own sinful nature, we will always reap what we sow.

You may not know this, but God loves us from the sidelines too. God respects our boundaries in many ways.

First, he leaves work for us to do that only we can do. And he allows us to experience the painful consequences of our behavior so that we will change. He is not willing for any of us to perish and takes no pleasure in our destruction (2 Peter 3:9; Ezek. 18:23), but he wants us to change for our own good and his glory. It hurts him deeply when we don't. But at the same time, he does not rescue us; he wants us to work it out for our own good. He will not violate our wish to be left alone, although he will plead with us to come back to him.
Second, he respects our no. He tries neither to control nor nag us. He allows us to say no and go our way. Think of the parable of the prodigal son, the story of the rich young ruler, or the story of Joshua and his people. In all of these examples, God gives a choice and allows the people involved to make up their minds. When people say no, he allows it and keeps on loving them. He is a giver. And one of the things he always gives is a choice, but like a real giver, he also gives the consequences of those choices. He respects boundaries.
From The New York Times bestseller Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

Boundaries are a necessary and healthy part of all relationships. God created boundaries for our own benefit. He set the example of the necessity of boundaries at creation, and yet, in His desire for us to have free will, he will allow us to shut Him out, to tell Him thanks, but no thanks, but He never leaves us. He is always there, loving us from the sidelines, calling us to return home.

References & Resources:

God, the Bible, and Boundaries from-Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

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