heal the wounds
but leave our scars
Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart, take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar
Point of Grace - Heal the wound
"Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again." Psalm 71:20-21 NIV
This past week was a kick in the teeth week on this new diversion road I/we are on. This week I saw the plastic surgeon and had my post-op bandages and drain removed. I thought when I walked through Bell’s Palsy (BP), and the 6 months of looking like I had suffered a stroke that I was prepared for knowing at any minute my physical appearance could change.
photo by Caroline Hernandez @carolinehdz
In that experience I definitely learned a heavy-handed lesson, a lesson that we all know, but never truly think about, unless we are forced to, that my personal value and self-worth does not, and cannot be wrapped up in my physical appearance. My identity and self-worth must be tied to who I am as a person in Christ, and who I am on the inside. However, much to my dismay, that experience with BP still didn’t quite prepare me for this new physical change.
Since before my surgery I have told myself I was ready for this. I could handle whatever I would see. In my mind I thought, okay Lord, I walked around for months with slurred speech, an eye patch, then a droopy eye that wouldn’t close, a droopy mouth, a sagging right side of my face and neck, and I had accepted that that could possibly become my “new normal.” I didn’t embrace it, but I accepted it. Thankfully, by your grace I did experience an almost complete recovery and healing. However, I thought that experience prepped me better for what I was going to see this week.
I thought because the Bells Palsy was so much more visible to everyone, being my face and all, and this, the breast cancer surgery and reconstruction being something covered up that most people will never see, I thought I would accept this with greater ease. I thought I would be able to be kinder to myself and extend myself more grace, but that just isn’t the case.
This knocked the wind out of me.
What I saw after the bandages were removed and I was home, was nothing less than Frankensteinish. This, of course, is how I feel about the results and where I am right now in this journey. This is not a reflection on either of my surgeons. I can confidently say, they both did a phenomenal job, and I am very pleased with both of them. This of course is my own personal reaction to the woman I now see in the mirror.
photo by Joeyy Lee @joeyy_anne
I know that I am speaking of all of this as if Greg isn’t in this with me. I do not mean it to sound as if he has abandoned me. He, of course is right by my side. He is amazing! I am so blessed to be walking this journey with such a kind and good man, but there are parts of this, that while they also impact him, they are also just mine. These are moments where I must first experience and absorb this blow to my womanly ego. Moments where there is not a thing he can do or say that will make anything better or fix what is wrong, and I am sure that has to feel terrible for him, but it’s the reality.
As I have grappled with these emotions and my newest reality this week, God just kept bringing to mind something I have written about before, an art form that I have found so beautiful since first learning of it quite a few years ago. It’s the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery called Kintsugi.
Photo purchased on Shutterstock
“Poetically translated to “golden joinery,” kintsugi, or Kintsukuroi, is the centuries-old Japanese art of fixing broken pottery. Rather than rejoin ceramic pieces with a camouflaged adhesive, the kintsugi technique employs a special tree sap lacquer dusted with powdered gold, silver, or platinum. Once completed, beautiful seams of gold glint in the conspicuous cracks of ceramic wares, giving a one-of-a-kind appearance to each “repaired” piece.
This unique method celebrates each artifact's unique history by emphasizing its fractures and breaks instead of hiding or disguising them. In fact, kintsugi often makes the repaired piece even more beautiful than the original, revitalizing it with a new look and giving it a second life.” My Modern Met-kintsugi
What I find so appealing about this concept, is that not only does kintsugi have the above-mentioned aesthetic principle, but it also represents philosophical ideas as well. The Japanese have a practice called wabi-sabi. This is the practice of seeing the beauty in the flawed or imperfect and to accept growing old and the scars that accompany aging. If that isn’t cool enough, the repair method of kintsugi was born from mottainai, or a feeling expressing regret when something is wasted without getting its full value, as well as mushin, which means the acceptance of change.
Isn’t it just like God to remind me of this form of art, to provide this beautiful visual for me to look upon and be reminded of how He sees us, or more personally, how He sees me, scars and all, and how I should see myself and my scars? Life on earth is hard. He never promised it wouldn’t be. But, He did promise to heal our wounds, and He did promise that just as a piece of broken pottery is made stronger after it has been repaired the Kintsugi way, we too will be stronger when we persevere through our trials and brokenness.
Romans 5:3-5 NIV says ” Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”
How beautiful is the above promise. This scripture speaks of the piece of art God makes of us out of our brokenness, and the fillers He uses to repair our cracks and broken parts are qualities such as strength, character, and hope. Those are the gold fillers He uses to turn us into beautiful works of art when we have been broken.
photo by Aarón Blanco Tejedor @innernature
Part of why I felt such a blow this week in seeing my new wounds and the scarring that has begun is because I am keenly aware that in America, we do not value such things as the Japanese do. This country, not that I am anti-USA by any means, but we do not value the imperfect. We do not embrace the scarred, those whose wounds could tell a lifetime of stories and provide a wealth of knowledge and lessons for us all. Just ask a wounded warrior returning home after serving our country, or an elderly person disfigured from disease or arthritis, or even more so, a person disfigured from birth or an accident.
Tough times teach us what we are made of. Trials are where we realize our full potential. The art of Kintsugi is more than just the repairing of broken pottery. It can also teach us a lot about healing. The following are words associated with the art of Kintsugi. I have paraphrased and adapted their meaning to relate to faith and how we can apply those words to our healing. (sources referenced listed below)
Wabi sabi-embracing and celebrating our imperfections and simply living. We can shift our mindset from what our world says is beautiful and unattainable such as perfectionism and embrace the good and the imperfect of ourselves leading to a more positive and empowered mindset. Remind ourselves, we are made in the image of God, and He leaves our scars to bear witness to who He is as our potter who shapes and molds us from the beginning, but especially when we have been broken.
Gaman-living with resilience. How we respond to daily challenges and stress impacts us greatly. Scripture tells us to be still and know. This means to literally stop, just breathe, and get in tune with our maker, the One in whom our strength and healing flows from.
Yuimaru-serving others in your community. The Bible tells us over and over, we are made for community, to serve others, this is how we grow, and this is especially how we heal. “Deepening our relationships can help us be kind to ourselves. When we know that we have a good support system, we tend to take care of ourselves a little more. The whole idea about giving and receiving [has] emotional rewards.” ~ Cynthia V. Catchings, LCSW, executive director at the Women’s Emotional Wellness Center in Alexandria, VA
Eiyoshoku-nourishing your body is part of having a healthy mind. When we eat or drink mindlessly, not taking nutrition into consideration, we deprive ourselves of refueling our minds in a healthy manner as well. Nourishment from the inside out is an important part of self-care. “I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but I will not be mastered by anything. 1 Corinthians 6: 12 NIV
Kansha-practicing sincere gratitude in all circumstances, good and bad. Realizing what we have in all circumstances and learning to find the silver lining requires letting go of our pride and our egos and reframing our experiences. We want to teach our brains to see the positive instead of the negative. Life is hard, but gratitude is finding good in the not so good. Thinking this way is healthier and builds our resilience. “Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 NIV
photo by Sixteen Miles Out @sixteenmilesout
Today, Sunday afternoon, as I finish writing this, I am feeling much stronger, extending myself more grace, and thanking God for the wounds and the scars I already have, and the ones I have yet to get or be healed of because I know what He has done already with my past wounds. Those wounds that have long since scarred over, now serve as beautiful reminders of His goodness in my life, and I am confident He will be merciful and faithful to me again. In His time He will draw me closer to Him so that I might know His heart even more, and He will use my wounds and scars to tell the story of who He is.
He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” Revelation 21:5 NIV
Resources, references, & music:
japanese-art-technique-kintsugi
kintsugi-the-art-of-mending-whats-broken
international leadership team-nothing-wasted
