is this truth

or the story I’m telling myself?

“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

John 8:32 NIV

Am I the only person who talks to myself? Am I the only one who has full conversations in my head about certain things, and can fully convince myself that I am certain what another person thinks of me deep down in their heart without ever even having a conversation with them? Is it just me, or have you also almost ruined good relationships over stories you have told yourself that simply were not true? Did I/you ever give that other person any insight into the whole story you created? Are we certain how they think and feel about us?

I have shared with all of you, that Greg’s former wife Judi passed away of breast cancer. So, he has walked this road once already in life, and initially that felt terrible, knowing he was going to have to go through this again, but then also, maybe selfishly, somewhat comforting because he could guide me and prepare me for certain aspects I would be facing.

What I didn’t expect to happen is what has happened over time as we have been walking this road over the past few weeks, and it all came to a head this week. Ever so slowly over time, this little voice in my head starting speaking negative thoughts about what Greg thinks of me and how I’m handling my walk through all of this. These lies were intense and so constant, hitting all my insecurities, to the point that I had decided that I couldn’t be vulnerable with Greg anymore, or even share a bit of my pain, my fears, my hurts, or anything about my physical or emotional thoughts or feelings about my breast cancer .

One little comment he made weeks ago, in passing, about Judi and how she dealt with a particular aspect of her life in the midst of cancer sent my mind into overdrive. It struck a nerve of deep insecurity in me, and I began to tell myself he was comparing us, my strength to her strength, my surgery to her surgery, my decisions to her decisions, and on and on. I began to see myself in her shadow and tell myself this story of how he was judging me.

I would spend so much time reading into his words, or lack thereof, I’d watch his expressions over comments I would make, things my doctors would say, just everything became part of this twisted tale I was fabricating in my head about how he sees me, how he thinks of me, and worst, I decided I knew that in his heart, he sees me as weak and less than.

I am seeking my affirmation and approval from the wrong person.

photo by Myriam Zilles @myriamzilles

There were a few things working together, encouraging these thoughts, helping me to make a mountain out of a molehill, driving me to mix that mortar to build a wall between us. One is my history. While I have had years of counseling and deprogramming, I still have triggers from past abuse that can rear their ugly head in times like this and tug at my insecurities and trigger my defense mode.

Two, we have an enemy who uses our triggers in moments like this when he is threatened by us. God is using what I am going through to share my faithfulness in Him as I walk this dusty road. He is using it to shed light on His goodness and love and our enemy detests that! Satan will do anything to destroy our testimonies. He doesn’t want people to know we can slay dragons when God is on our side.

Three, truth be told, all of these thoughts and feelings I have been having and assuming about what Greg thinks of me really boil down to one bigger issue, I am seeking my affirmation and approval from the wrong person. I was reminded of this this past week, as I finally out this issue at the foot of the cross. When I dared to give a voice to these thoughts and share them out loud to a couple of accountability friends, and most importantly to Greg.

What God reminded me of in this situation, were other times in my life where I had been in this very same place, telling myself similar stories of what another’s perspective was of me in a particular circumstance, but truth is, I only need affirmation from Him. Everyone else’s gauge or bar will continually be changing.

People waffle. People’s standards are always shifting. People are fickle. People pleasing is a prison.

 “Fearing people is a dangerous trap,” says Proverbs 29:25

Knowing the truth, versus the story we tell ourselves is vital, especially when our stories are building walls and could potentially destroy our homes and relationships. Seeking only His affirmation sets us free from the bondage of people pleasing and wasting time and energy creating stories and making assumptions of what others think of us.