in the blood
photo credit: Nubelson Fernandes @nublson
“A young man going through life without an earthly Father, is like going to sea without a compass. There’s no one to point him in the right direction when storms arise, or he veers off the course.” (UA)
"A girl's father is the first man in her life, and probably the most influential." (David Jeremiah)
I’ll never forget the phone call that cold night in January 1988. It is forever etched in my memory, a moment when the entire world I lived in came to a complete stop and I wasn’t sure there would ever be enough air in a room for me to ever breathe again.
Dad is gone.
My older sister Machell was calling to tell us dad had passed away. Just like that, he was here and now he is gone. He came home from work, was laying down to rest, but never made it to the bed. A massive heart attack stopped him in his tracks and in an instant, his time on earth was done.
Dad had just turned 59 January 6th. I had been married a little over a month and moved to Ohio. Dad, Mom, and Melissa (my 11-year-old sister) were coming from Indiana to visit for the weekend. I spoke to him around 2:00 that afternoon. (So thankful for that opportunity. I got to tell him I loved him before we hung up.) He was excited to visit and to see where we lived. He wanted to take me grocery shopping to “fill our cabinets.” That trip never came to fruition.
Suddenly, we were left to walk this journey alone, without our north star, our compass, the patriarch of our family. Dad took his role of fatherhood extremely serious. He was the head of our home, and he led with Godly morals and values. He was a man who walked his talk, as a husband, as a father, as an elder of his church, and as a friend and veterinarian to many in the community.
As a woman of 55, a daughter, a mom of three sons, a stepmom, a bonus mom, and now a grandma of three, I have lived enough life, and experienced enough to testify to the impact and the value a strong male plays in the life of a child. No longer is this truth lost on me as it was in my youth.
Proverbs 22:15 tells us, “Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child;”
Full confession time here. In my youth, I had the foolish wisdom of a child when it came to the importance of a strong male role model in the life of a child. I was a broadcast major in college, and I was going to be the next Jane Pauley. I was career focused, and I was woman! Hear me roar! I had bought into the propaganda I was taught. I believed that I didn’t need a man if I decided I wanted to be a mother. I could raise a child with or without a man. (I know, go figure.)
I mention this not only for full transparency, but also to hopefully speak to anyone reading this who has bought into the lie of our world today. Much of today’s society wants you to believe that strong men who lead in a traditional home or have traditional values suffer from toxic male syndrome, that the role of men can be easily replaced, and the value/need of having a father figure in the lives of children is basically overrated.
I recently asked my sister, Melissa, who was eleven when our dad passed, now a grown woman, and mom of four awesome kids, how her life was impacted by dad’s absence.
“Loosing a parent at a young age, it is hard to remember as much as losing a parent when you are older. Child development specialists say you are set at age 9 in your core values and beliefs.
Most kids aren't savvy enough to verbalize them, but they are there. I was fortunate enough to have had a two parent Christ centered home, even if it was only until age 11, to set the stage for my core beliefs. I continued to have a Christ centered home, but not two parent.
Growing up without a father in the home was lonely at times. Moms and daughters bicker sometimes and there was no one to vent to, no one to explain that maybe mom meant something else, or to tell mom that you are just being a teen, and there was no one there to help her make decisions. There was no one home when mom was gone, and no one was coming home.
Both my mom and I missed that person in our lives, someone to soften the conversation and bring a different perspective when needed. I missed my dad, don't get me wrong, but as I grew older there was no question, I was missing the identity a father brings to his children, especially the girls. I missed MY dad, but it mainly came to the point I was missing A dad: a protector and leader in the home.”
Fatherhood and masculinity is under fire today. Believe me, I in NO WAY support male dominance through control or abuse of any kind. I have experienced that. It is wrong and incredibly damaging, but God made men and women differently for many reasons.
Both men and women were gifted with special qualities to enhance one another’s lives and the lives of our children. I bring very different things to the lives of our kids and grandchildren than my husband does, and it’s a beautiful thing.
One of the first fears I had when I divorced was, how am I going to raise three boys to be men? These were the years when it truly sunk in, the value of a Father or male role model in the life of boys. I’m pretty tough. I’m not as emotional as one might expect a woman to be, and I am certainly not afraid of dirt, sweat, or all the things typically associated with being a man, but no matter what, I am not a man, and I could not teach my sons to be men.
I began to embrace, appreciate, and truly value the differences between men and women. To be clear, this isn’t about politics. This is about my faith, and what I believe about the intrinsic, personal, and specific God given qualities of men and women, and His intent that we both play specific and significant roles in the lives of children.
When God created everything, He was very intentional.
All you have to do is read the first book of the bible, Genesis, and you will see His intentionality behind each and every single thing He made, and even the timing of His creation. This especially applies to the first humans, and the order of their creation. Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” (Genesis 2:18)
“We learn in Genesis that of all the things God created, none is more meaningful than humanity. Men and women stand as equals at the apex of God’s created order. In Genesis 1: 27 we read, “God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.” Here we learn that women and men were designed to reflect God’s image over the rest of creation. But just as important is what lies at the heart of this design. Of all things it is gender: male and female.
The thing we must first decide is whether we’re going to believe this central tenet. This is a crucial first turn in the maze, the divide for living life. Did God create us special, and is one’s gender purposeful, or are we all merely a product of random chance?
Our decision here has huge ramifications for how we proceed in life and view masculinity and femininity.
Of course, you can choose to believe that everything exists by pure accident and that nothing has a fixed purpose. If that’s the case, then you are left to create your own definition of manhood and womanhood.
On the other hand, if God created the universe as Genesis says He did and you believe it, then you find yourself called to embrace a breathtaking dignity and fixed meaning to your life and your womanhood. You are purposeful, designed, intentional, and God has put you here because He is out to achieve something in the gender, He wrapped you in. The same is true for men.” (The Wonderful Differences Between Men & Women)
photo credit: Leighann Blackwood @ohleighann
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.” (1Corinthians 13:11)
I have shed my foolish beliefs of youth, and I have learned through personal experience, the truth that fathers, or a strong male role model play a critical part in the development of children. God intentionally gifted men and women with distinct and different parenting styles both of which are intended to build the strong foundation children will need to navigate life.
A mom is typically empathetic, while a father is generally more practical. While all parents are different, there is plenty of evidence to show that moms tend to bring more emotion and sensitivity to parenting. Fathers tend to encourage more problem-solving and risk taking than moms. Both are essential to healthy growth, but too much of one can create problems.
Children will benefit from both parenting styles and your kids will thank both of you when they become parents.
I was blessed to have a wonderful earthly father. I understand, even know personally, that not everyone has/had that same experience. There are many whose father might have been present, but still absent, chasing another life outside his home, some were/are completely out of the picture, or maybe even abusive, and Father’s Day, and this topic in general, brings up anger and or hurt.
For some it can be a time of sweet memories, others perhaps a time of hurt and anger, a time of feeling betrayed or abandoned by your earthly father. For some young adults, now parents themselves, it’s a time of discerning who they are and how do their parents, and who they are, fit into their own personality. Will they become just like the person who hurt them, who wasn’t the north star, compass, or the patriarch of their family? What exactly do we inherit from the blood?
How much of my mother has my mother left in me?
How much of my love will be insane to some degree?
And what about this feeling that I'm never good enough?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?How much of my father am I destined to become?
Will I dim the lights inside me just to satisfy someone?
Will I let this woman kill me, or do away with jealous love?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?I can feel love the I want, I can feel the love I need
But it's never gonna come the way I am
Could I change it if I wanted, can I rise above the flood?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?How much like my brothers, do my brothers wanna be?
Does a broken home become another broken family?
Or will we be there for each other, like nobody ever could?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?
God knew on this earth there would be broken people, therefore broken homes, and broken hearts. He knew there would be generational sin passed down through the blood that would require a greater power to overcome and to walk away from.
Addiction is a perfect example of a generational ‘curses” or sin that is hereditary, or in the blood/genes. There are many traits and behaviors we might see in ourselves that we have inherently received from our parents.
If you came from a less than healthy, happy home, or a home with an absent Father/Mother, do not be discouraged. Even if you identify that you possess certain unhealthy, undesirable traits, there is hope.
You are not destined to be that parent you don’t want to be. You are not incapable of giving, receiving, or feeling the love you want or need.
We all, no matter our family, no matter our blood, we all have a Father who loves us dearly and knows every intricate detail of us and loves us just the same.
This is The Story of the gospel, the good news, God knew this would be a problem that we couldn’t help in and of ourselves.
We have no control over who are parents are or the blood that runs through our veins and we cannot simply wash it out in the water, but we can wash it away through the blood of Christ.
If we could do it on our own, Jesus would not have needed to die such a brutal death on the cross. God is our perfect example of parenting. He/Jesus is our perfect example of love.
photo credit: Junior REIS @juniorreisfoto
“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” (John 3:16)
Whether you are honoring a wonderful earthly father this Father’s Day, or grieving the father you never had, or carrying the burden of generational sin, know that through Christ all things are made new. This doesn’t mean an instant fix or removal of struggles, but this does mean power to overcome and a strength to fight your battles that overpowers everything. Lean into Him. He will be your father and He will never betray you.
All things can be washed out in His blood.
Oh, I've heard a thousand stories of what they think You're like
But I've heard the tender whisper of love in the dead of night
And You tell me that You're pleased and that I'm never alone
You're a good, good Father
It's who You are, it's who You are, it's who You are
And I'm loved by You
It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am
Oh, and I've seen many searching for answers far and wide
But I know we're all searching for answers only You provide
'Cause You know just what we need before we say a word
You're a good, good Father
It's who You are, it's who You are, it's who You are
And I'm loved by You
It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am
(Good Good Father-Chris Tomlin)
"My father didn't tell me how to live. He lived and let me watch him do it." CLARENCE B KELLAND
"Sometimes the poorest man leaves his children the richest inheritance." RUTH E. RENKEL
"The strongest, toughest men all have compassion. They're not heartless and cold. You have to be man enough to have compassion — to care about people and about your children." DENZEL WASHINGTON
(Good Reads)
THE SIGNIFICANCE OF A FATHER’S INFLUENCE
52 Things Kids Need From a Dad (book)
Secure Daughters, Confident Sons (book)
(Music to Encourage)
(Hello, My Name Is-Matthew West)
