my rearview perspective
photo credit: anja. @anja_r
“Motherhood: All love begins and ends there.” —Robert Browning
In my rearview mirror, I now see, that while I was in no way perfect of course, I did a pretty good job even though the vision I had for my role as a mom didn’t play out as I had dreamed.
I never got to be that soft spoken, soft place to land type of mom, and for many years I beat myself up for that, and I deeply resented having to be both mom and dad.
This was NOT how our lives were supposed to play out. I was not supposed to be parenting alone. My sons deserved more. They deserved better than just having me. I was not supposed to have the role of sole disciplinarian, sole parent.
I was mom. I was supposed to get to be firm with soft edges. I was supposed to get to be the one who was soft when dad was laying down the law. I was supposed to be the mom whose home was where all the kids wanted to be because it was fun, full of laughter, and always smelled of something good cooking on the stove or baking in the oven.
Having full custody of my sons meant they were with me the majority of the time. They went to their dad’s Wednesday evenings for a few hours and every other Friday, then back home Sunday evening. I have no regrets that I got to spend that much time with them. That was a huge blessing, but it also meant that I was the sole rule enforcer and the “man” of our home, and it sucked!
I wanted to be “just mom,” but that is not how my story, our story played out.
I always told my sons, parenting is the hardest, most important job I will ever have this side of heaven, and I believe that to this day. I’d be lying if I said I had not wanted to quit a time or two, but everywhere I looked the road always led me back to them. So, we were stuck with each other! Lol.
Back in the years when I was in the trenches of single parenting, playing both roles, I did not have a relationship with their dad that fostered joint parenting. He had started another family. This meant that I did not really have any backup support when trying to enforce rules.
My sons will tell you; they knew this and that made parenting even more difficult for me, which in the end, forced me to develop a tougher exterior, and in many ways, required a much harder/tougher heart than I wanted to have.
While a mom definitely has a strong role in the home, let’s just face it, God made the first family of a man and a woman because each brought unique qualities and gifts to the family unit.
“When you’re in the thick of raising your kids by yourself, you tend to keep a running list of everything you think you’re doing wrong. I recommend taking a lot of family pictures as evidence to the contrary.” —Connie Schultz
This is so true! I’m not saying I don’t think other parents do this too, but when you don’t have a spouse backing you, reassuring you, and supporting you, it just seems to be an endless ticker tape running in your mind, and an endless counting of your mistakes.
In fact, here’s my running list…
I beat myself up that I had to leave them so much because of work.
I felt like the meanest mom in the world because my rule was, get your stuff organized for school because I will not bring things to you if you leave it at home. I was teaching them to plan ahead and to be responsible for themselves.
I hated having to be so tough on this, but I was hell bent on making sure they knew how to own their choices. I was determined to make sure they never put someone through what we went through. So, I made sure they knew my rules…I won’t lie for you, do your homework, or bail you out if you get yourself into something. You will learn to own your choices and consequences.
I cried myself to sleep some nights, feeling like such a loser mom because all of their friends were going on these amazing trips, or their friends’ families were taking these incredible group trips with their other friends’ families, ski trips, family cruises, beach trips…single moms don’t get asked, but in reality, we couldn’t have afforded it anyway, and that fact just made me feel even worse!
I remember feeling as though I nagged at them constantly to take care of things around our home because I knew I could not afford to fix or replace things.
I always felt so mean because I required them to participate in keeping our home clean because I needed help. They had chores and responsibilities. I made them help with cooking, mowing, cleaning bathrooms and toilets, all kinds of household duties, and this made me feel like I was failing at my job as a homemaker and mom.
I made them have jobs to pay for their gas and extras. I didn’t just give them money. I made them earn it. Truth was, I couldn’t just give them money. I didn’t have it to give and that made me feel sad/bad.
I can’t count the number of times I stood toe to toe, nose to nose with one or the other of them in moments of their rebellion, standing firm, standing my ground as the head of our home being as manly as I was capable of being as a woman, and knowing deep down I have no one standing with me to back me up if this goes south.
The fights were always me against them because it was just me at home. No other parent.
My sons all left home at 17. I remember once again, beating myself up that they wanted to leave home so early, so young, and feeling like I must have just been a miserable mom that they couldn’t get away from home fast enough.
To some extent, maybe that was true, some due to age, and some due to their feelings about me, but now I know that not all of them felt the story I told myself they felt, that I was just this terrible, no good, horrible mom.
What a crock of lies and wasted energy!
The enemy used my weakness, my vulnerability of divorce guilt and shame, and the inability to co-parent with their dad as a weapon to try to hold me down and lose faith, faith in God, faith in His provision, faith in my abilities, and especially to lose faith in my sons.
We had years of trials and things that tested all of us, years of doubting my parenting abilities, years of me not getting to be the mom I always wanted to be, and years of having to be the dad I never wanted to be, but we fought the good fight and God faithfully used the fires to refine my heart, refine my spirit, and show me just how truly strong I am.
God opened my eyes to see, know, and treasure the gift of resilience He has blessed me with, to not be ashamed of being strong, and to let go of who I imagined I would be as a mom and embrace the mom He made of me.
Where I am today, as I take a rearview look, I can see that while I was in no way perfect of course, I did a pretty good job even though the vision I had for my role as a mom didn’t play out as I had dreamed. I can now say that the journey, while difficult at best, broke a pattern of pride in me that needed to be broken.
I learned to seek guidance and prayer from trusted counsel.
I submitted to the truth that I did not have all the answers and getting help from professionals and minsters is a good thing for everyone.
I was brought to a place of humility in knowing I could not do it all alone and that it was a good thing to seek the wisdom, prayer, and support of others.
“The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice.” (Proverbs 12:15)
“Whoever trusts in his own mind is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom will be delivered.” (Proverbs 28:26)
“Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety.” (Proverbs 11:14)
Being the mom and the dad in our home was not how I envisioned our home would be when my sons were born, but it was the hand we were dealt. For too many years I beat myself up over every little thing, but here are some truths that I am now able to see as I sit in the front seat reflecting from the rearview, a been there and done that perspective.
My sons never felt slighted because I worked. I chose to work in ways that did not take away from our home life. They support and respect working women. They get it that it was necessary.
To all young kids, any mom/parent who requires them to take responsibility and be organized is a nagger. LOL! BUT today my sons are grateful that they learned this skill, not that they are perfect, but they have been responsible and organized enough to live on their own since 17.
Not lying or covering for my sons, not bailing them out, and teaching them to own their choices and consequences was best for them and I have seen them step up and own their choices many times now in their adult lives.
I wasted a lot of tears and created so much unnecessary, self-induced heartache over not being able to “keep up with the Jones.’” My sons don’t hold this against me. They get it and it has made them appreciate what they have and how hard it is to gain a foothold in this world.
While it likely was nagging to them at the time, learning to take care of things around our home because I could not afford to fix or replace things, taught them how to care for where they live/their homes, and to take care of things like expensive phones, furniture, etc. because they are expensive to replace.
Requiring them to have chores and have responsibilities as part of being a part of the family in a home benefitted them. They all have told me over the years how thankful they are now to know how to keep a place clean, and how grateful they are to know how to cook and do their own laundry.
There’s not one thing wrong with making your kids work and be responsible for paying for things. It’s important for them to understand the value of money.
While I hated having to be a “tough guy” with my sons sometimes, they respect me. They knew my yes was yes and my no was no. There wasn’t any confusion or mixed messages over whose house it was and where I stood on certain things. Kids need to know you are solid, you are the parent, and not their friend, but their parent.
The fights were always me against them because it was just me at home. No other parent. That just was what it was, and not my fault, and we all survived it.
I can now take a rearview look and see God’s faithfulness and goodness all through those tough years. I can see how much of what I beat myself up over was actually good for them and how God used those challenges to change me.
We are all still a work in progress, but I can see now and would like to speak a word of encouragement to anyone reading this who is beating yourself up over parenting, know first that God knows it’s a difficult job, after all, He is our Father. Are you an easy child to manage? Do not allow the enemy to waste years of your life beating yourself up, robbing you of joy in the challenges, and stealing those precious years you have with your kids that fly right by, trust me, the stress is not worth it!
Looking in my rearview I can now see that my sons leaving home at 17 and wanting to fly, wanting to be independent, and self- sufficient is a really positive thing. They were ready to make that jump, and confident enough to take it! That is awesome!
Reality is… “Kids don’t stay with you if you do it right. It’s the one job where, the better you are, the more surely you won’t be needed in the long run.” —Barbara Kingsolver
