spirit
“Sometimes to get your life back, you have to face the death of what you thought your life would look like.” Lisa Terkeurst
February 2001, I could not believe I was sitting in this particular office, waiting to ask questions that were going to be so humiliating and cut so deep. I couldn’t imagine that my life had come to this, but in this moment, I was convinced this is what I had to do, and it started with this appointment.
“Often times one person’s freedom from bondage puts another person in bondage.”
In January 2001, my life/our life was turned every which way but right side up. It was evening and I had just gotten home from taekwondo with the three boys. We had dinner without their Dad, which wasn’t totally unusual. He had “worked” long hours from day one, (in quotes because I now know better). The boys and I were playing the hand slap game to pass time and we were having a blast. ( Cute version of Hand Slap Game)
Their Dad came home. It appeared that something was wrong, something was bothering him, but that was fairly common, so we continued playing our game as he sat on the couch and watched. Eventually, it was time for the boys to go to bed, so I put them to bed and came downstairs to clean up from dinner and get things ready for the next day.
I remember this like it was yesterday, but I guess we always do when we are hit by a tsunami that obliterates our world as we know it.
What I could not see then, but I see clearly now, is that this particular evening in January 2001 was the evening God had been preparing me for, for the past several years, particularly the four years we had been in Kansas.
In 1987 I made a choice that I knew was not in line with God’s will. God had faithfully given me warnings ahead of time. The relationship I was in was not His will and not healthy, but I ignored the warnings.
God will allow us to make our own decisions, even if He is guiding us to make other choices.
In His infinite love for us, like a parent who wants the best for their children, God will also allow us to experience the consequences of those choices in order for us to learn and grow from our mistakes and failures.
He will not remove the fallout because the potential wisdom and discernment to be gained is far too great for us to miss. He will, however, redeem those decisions and bring beauty from ashes IF we seek His wisdom and guidance.
Truth is, there was a very dark cloud in our home
From our marriage in 1987 to 1996 when we moved to Kansas, my confidence and self-esteem had been slowly beaten down. Friends and family mentioned through the years the changes they were seeing in me.
They even questioned things, but at the time, I was convinced I was the cause of all that was wrong in our home. So I put on a happy face, a smile, and I lied. I said everything was great.
Truth is, there was a very dark cloud in our home. I didn’t realize it as a spiritual battle at the time, but the enemy had declared war and it was between my then husband and me. Our souls were at war. (This was something that came out in counseling later)
I am so grateful God blessed me with the boys . My sons were my greatest sense of love, peace, and joy I had in those days, and I wanted nothing more than a strong, Christian, and traditional home life for them, but it seemed the harder I fought, the greater the battles were within our home.
Makes sense to me now.
When we moved to Kansas in 1996, I joined Bible Study Fellowship (BSF). I was at the end of my rope. I knew something had to change, our home was so stressful, and deep down I knew our children were feeling it too. Finally, with nothing else to do but look up, I clung to what I knew from childhood.
Being blessed with Godly parents and having had my foundation rooted in God, I ran back to what I knew to be true. Suddenly had a hunger to know Him deeper! I knew that we all were reaping the consequences of not following God’s will from the very beginning. So, seeking God’s wisdom and truth now seemed the only possible solution to me. BSF helped me get there by teaching me to dig deep into God’s word, deeper than I had ever been before.
The more you start to speak up and out for God’s truths you will come under attack possibly even in your very own home.
I craved knowing God more and more. The more I studied, the thirstier and hungrier I got for more of His word, but the darker our battles became at home. Through those years of really getting deep into God’s word, my faith became mine. My strength and self-confidence was being restored, but I still didn’t realize just how much until several months after that night in January 2001.
Believe me when I tell you, the more you thirst for truth and seek the light, the harder the enemy will fight to keep you wrapped in lies and bondage. The more you start to speak up and out for God’s truths you will come under attack possibly even in your very own home.
It’s simply a matter of when, because the enemy, Satan, wants to keep you locked in darkness, so you are hopeless, joyless, and not bearing fruit for God’s kingdom. So you must be prepared for those battles. God knew the battles yet to come, and He knew the victories ahead, but He knew I would need the sword of the Spirit to fight them.
Satan was not happy about the “new me.” He dug in deeper. But God…
When all I see is the battle, you see my victory
When all I see is the mountain, you see a mountain moved
And as I walk through the shadow, your love surrounds me
There's nothing to fear now for I am safe with You
So, when I fight, I'll fight on my knees
With my hands lifted high
Oh God, the battle belongs to You
And every fear I lay at Your feet
I'll sing through the night
Oh God, the battle belongs to You
(Song by Phil Wickham-Battle Belongs)
I have written before of a few of the pieces of the Armor of God, the belt of truth, the shoes of peace, and the shield of faith, all of which are defensive pieces of armor, but there is one offensive piece. That is God himself. In Ephesians, it is referred to as the sword of the Spirit, or the Word of God (the Bible).
Ephesians 6: 13-18, “Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.”
“All the pieces of the armor come from God, but this piece, (referring to the sword of the Spirit), in particular is God himself, the Holy Spirit.” (Hope Bolinger-Sword of the Spirit)
Baptized believers have the same power that rose Christ from the grave, living in us! The Holy Spirit, the sword of the Spirit, can give us the strength to fight all battles, and yet most of the time we never call upon that power, or it is a last resort. Why are we so prideful? That’s a blog for another day.
It’s interesting how you can know something in your gut, but when you don’t have physical evidence, your mind works double time to talk you out of trusting it. Then, when your intuition is finally affirmed, you are still taken aback and shocked. Even though you knew the truth deep down.
That night in January, I discovered my husband was having what I thought was “an” affair. Thank you, God for bringing light/truth into the darkness/lies.
Excluding many ugly details, suffice it to say, over a few months, I learned it was not just one affair. I wish I could say that I handled things like a humble Christian woman, full of grace, but I won’t lie. I was angry. I was broken. I was devastated at the magnitude of betrayal, and that I knew some of these women. They knew our children.
The fact that I had to dig and beg for any piece of information only exasperated my pain and anger.
At the very least I deserved to be told the truth without having to go through the humiliation of playing detective and groveling and begging. I’m not proud of some of the things I said during this time, and I know I often did not represent Christ well. I am grateful that the same God waiting to forgive my ex upon his repentance, also forgives me upon mine.
I learned a big lesson between REAL sorrow/brokenness, and a “sorry I got caught” mentality.
Looking back now, I am honestly saddened that I could not see the true bondage of my ex, and his own spiritual struggles in the midst of my personal pain. I know I could not have “fixed” that, but it’s still sad.
Hurt people, hurt people.
He was wrestling with his own demons. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have made the choices he made. Remember I said earlier that there was a very dark cloud in our home. Our souls were at war. There was for certain a spiritual battle in our home, and Satan had drawn the line.
Unfortunately, my ex’s freedom from the bondage of the lies he had been living with, put me/us in bondage.
I was now in bondage of discerning reality.
What was real and what was perception?
Was anything of our life reality?
How on earth would I explain this to our sons?
What is the right thing to do in this situation?
There really are no winners in this.
A woman’s first thought in a time like this is, generally, I wasn’t enough. I was no exception.
February 2001, I found myself sitting in a plastic surgeon’s office, tears flowing faster than a Kleenex could absorb, barely able to talk or breathe through the sobs, pouring my heart out that I needed to look better to fix my marriage and home, inquiring about a complete head to toe make over because I thought I was not “enough.”
To women, sexual betrayal almost always leads to self-doubt and immediate criticism of our bodies and how we look. I was convinced this is what I had to do.
See how crafty our enemy is here? I was STILL seeing this as my unworthiness.
Before my ex gets all the blame here, let me just own the fact that some of this also comes from buying into the world’s lies about my physical body, damage and garbage from past relationships, and my sin as well.
In my mother's womb
You formed me with Your hands
Known and loved by You
Before I took a breathWhen I doubt it, Lord, remind me
I'm wonderfully made
You're an artist and a potter
I'm the canvas and the clayYou make all things work together
For my future and for my good
Fortunately/sadly, this particular surgeon had previous experience with women in my fragile state, and a counseling background. He was empathetic to my reasons for wanting the various surgeries, but he was also wise enough to know I was not in the proper state of mind to make such life altering decisions.
He refused to perform any surgery on me while I was in such a fragile state. I was furious then, but now I see this as blessing from God, and I am grateful this doctor took the time to identify my brokenness in that moment, and act for my greater good.
He reminded me that what happened in my marriage wasn’t a result of anything about my physical appearance, but about the choices of others, and how their choices impacted my life. People hurt others for deeper reasons and we don’t have to carry the monkeys of others on our backs.
While it was indescribably difficult, we stayed together for another month after that appointment. I didn’t tell him to leave immediately. I wanted to pursue counseling. I wanted to see if there was anything to salvage in an effort to keep our family together.
There was nothing. He wouldn’t even meet me half way.
He moved out that March.
“Some things won’t be fixed on this side of eternity; they just have to be walked through.”
(Lysa Terkeurst, It’s Not Supposed To Be This Way)
While I was not free of this captivity immediately, as I mentioned above, God had been preparing me for this journey for the past several years. God had allowed me to suffer the consequences of ignoring the “red flags” He gave me before getting married, but He was also preparing me internally for the day I would be free from the lies that had been playing with my heart and mind, even before we married.
While I was in pain, I was also at peace to some degree because darkness had been brought into the light. Things my intuition had suspected were confirmed and the enemy no longer held power over me in that particular area, but there was still more work to be done.
It became painfully obvious in those early months of 2001, when the blinders came off and truth was revealed, that I was seeking affirmation from the wrong place. I had made my husband, our marriage, and our home my god. I was seeking his approval and jumping through hoops to keep the peace in our home rather than seeking the approval of God.
I was seeking affirmation from a human, which is an imperfect and ever moving target. My focus was on the wrong god. All those years of BSF and surrendering, praying, and reading the Bible, those were the years God was preparing me to face the truth that was now staring me in the face, and the layers were just beginning to be peeled back.
It was time for me to lean into my faith. Time to seek my affirmation from God. Time to take everything I had learned about the Holy Spirit and allow him to intercede on my behalf because I was too broken to go it alone. I was numb and I had no idea what to pray for or how to pray. It was going to be required if I was going to come out of all of this in a better and healthier place along with my sons. I was hanging on minute by minute and I am certain it was the Spirit who was guiding me along each of those moments.
Romans 8:26-27 says, “ In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.”
It was time to wield the sword of the Spirit to fight my battles.
Days, even years following, I had to remind myself over and over of God’s truth about me. I posted notecards all over the house with God’s word, scriptures to build me up, to encourage me, and remind me that I am His, I am good enough, and I am loved, just as I am. He sees me and all my imperfections and He chose me. He sees a beautiful woman who loves the Lord and is a great Mom. Unfortunately, the spiritual battle did not end here. When Satan’s lies about me and my marriage could no longer take me down because of the power and intercession of The Holy Spirit, then he worked another avenue.
This would not be the last battle where the sword of the Spirit, and the other pieces of God’s armor would be necessary. I was trapped in mental spiritual bondage for many years. One counselor even told me it was amazing I had not had a mental break due to the battle raging in my head those years of my marriage. The enemy hates those who love the Lord. He’s crafty and he even knows scripture and knows how to twist it just enough to sound truthful, but it isn’t. He is the accuser, tempter, and ultimate deceiver. But God…God is the encourager, the lifter of my head. He equips me for battle, and He IS The Truth.
Thankful to God for his armor. The sword of the Spirit broke the chains of my captivity.
So when I fight, I'll fight on my knees
With my hands lifted high
Oh God, the battle belongs to You
And every fear I lay at Your feet
I'll sing through the night
Oh God, the battle belongs to You
Almighty fortress, You go before us
Nothing can stand against the power of our God
You shine in the shadow, You win every battle
Nothing can stand against the power of our God
(Phil Wickham - Battle Belongs)
Something to consider: Are you struggling to know truth? Does the enemy have you locked in bondage with his lies? Seek the word of God to fight those battles. Even Jesus used the Word of God to fight Satan. If you want to know more about Jesus or The Holy Spririt, while I’m not a minister, I can help point you in the right direction, email me. We were not meant to travel this journey alone.
