surrender
“Sometimes surrender means giving up trying to understand and becoming comfortable with not knowing.” ~Eckhart Tolle
Surrender, humility, obedience, commitment, aren’t these sexy words, words you frequently hear used in our world to describe SUCCESS? Are these words you think of when you think of the majority of people in the spotlight today, our athletes, movie stars, politicians, or our leaders? In my humble opinion, I would have to say a resounding NO to both questions.
The word surrender is tied closely to the word humility. It takes humility to surrender. It takes obedience to be humble enough to surrender, and it requires commitment to stay on that path. Now doesn’t that sound like something exciting and sexy? Sign me up today! NOT!
To me, surrender sounds like weakness and meekness, which in my mind are one in the same, caving to your fears or injustices, not having the courage to stand up for yourself or what is right.
I would not be weak or meek! Not this time!
June 2017, one week before my wedding to my current husband, Greg, I received news that completely knocked the wind out of me. At the time, I actually thought it was something I would be bitter about forever.
It attacked my very core, my character, and everything I was about, and I was ANGRY!
I’ve honestly never been an anger filled person. I’ve certainly had moments in time where I felt angry, but never consumed with anger as I was in this moment. I was filled with the usual questions.
How can this be happening? I had no warnings. No write ups. No probation? Why? Why did this have to happen right now? One week before the day I had been waiting for, for years! How can people be so cruel and where was the justice in what was happening?
Things had finally been going really well in my life for the past four or five years. The boys were out on their own and hanging in there. We had made it to adulthood, and they were branching out, finding their way. I had downsized my house and moved into my little “lock-n-leave” apartment. My career was the best it had ever been since I now had the freedom to step into more challenging opportunities. I was free to travel if necessary, and it was my turn to build my career and I was doing it, in fact, I was killing it!
I had gotten to a place where my faith was solid and was winning over doubt in my life, and that bondage I had been trapped in had been defeated through the power of God in my life.
God had faithfully renewed my trust in men, empowered me to set healthy boundaries, taught me how to forgive myself, and not absorb everyone else’s blame or responsibilities. I was a new, stronger, and better version of myself, and I was happy!
I was starting to share my faith and my spiritual journey more openly. I was reaching the point where I could articulate my past and the redeeming power and faithfulness of Christ, and not have to include the “ugly” details that could often cloud my testimony, or even worse, start crying which made people want to run away! Ha! Because nothing is wasted with God, and our testimonies can be healing for others to hear, I was presented with more and more opportunities to share my story.
Often times when God opens the door for us to share our stories of redemption, healing, and His grace, there are going to be challenges. I just didn’t see them playing out in this way.
In my past four blogs, spirit, faith, peace, and truth, I have written about spiritual warfare, and the Armor of God. The belt of truth, the shoes of peace, the sword of the spirit, and the shield of faith all being pieces of that armor that Paul tells us about in Ephesians 6: 10-12, “Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”
June 2017, the enemy hit again and tried to take me down! This time attacking my credibility, reputation, my self-esteem, and man did I have to strap on that armor to fight the battle on the road ahead.
November 2014, after a successful nine-year career with Wiley Publishing, I took a huge leap of faith and I left a company I loved for an opportunity to learn new skills, grow my career, and meet new people. I had been praying for a new opportunity, one that would provide all the things this new one appeared to offer.
I was excited for this new journey and where it could potentially lead. My first year in this new role was stressful, the learning curve was big, but I was successful. My sales were great! I was traveling, meeting new clients, making new friends, really liked my immediate boss and teammates, and was learning so much from all of them.
Year two, I had really hit my stride. I loved what I was doing and the challenge. I had positive, strong relationships with my national clients, in fact some of them are still my friends today and we talk regularly. I had another successful year of sales. I not only hit and exceeded my goal again, but I won a President’s Club trip for two to St. Thomas. Life was good. I was one of the top performers.
My career was strong, and I was so grateful to God. I was finally making up for the years of struggling financially, I believed God was honoring my decision not to climb the corporate ladder while I was raising my boys, and my work ethic and efforts were being rewarded.
Or so I thought…
Moving into year three my sales were killing it again. Things were on track to have another stellar year…until they weren’t.
Spring of 2017 things began to take a bad turn. While my sales were exploding, and my business was growing, the very person who had been approving and signing off on every single one of my expense reports after my immediate boss approved them, decided she wanted me out. In a very underhanded way, she went about seeing to it that that happened.
Now keep in mind, my annual reviews with the current company were great! Aside from suggestions for ways to grow and improve, nothing was questioned, only positive feedback. Not one question or mention of an issue with anything. Ever!
2017 was going to be a really, really good year for me. It was actually going to be one of my best years so far, and I was due to be fully vested in my 401K. I think you see the writing here. I had always heard of companies getting rid of their top performers because they didn’t want to pay them, but it just seemed so absurd. I’m here to tell you, it really happens, but what was crushing about this situation was the unethical way in which it was done.
The way in which she went about it, questioning my character, my integrity, without any substantial or concrete justification was cowardly. The woman firing me, she had a say in all of my reviews and never, not once asked or questioned a single thing. In fact, I have an email from her just weeks before stating my whole team was managing our accounts well.
June 2017, one week before my wedding, I was fired.
No warning, no severance, no opportunity to have counsel on the call with me, nothing. It was done in such a sneaky manipulative way you wonder how people look themselves in the mirror after treating people in such a manner.
I went from total excitement about my marriage, from experiencing career success after years of taking a backseat to raising my sons, to complete shock, anger, and utter disgust.
This was not something I was going to surrender to. Not this time. I wanted justice. I would not be meek/weak this time!
I want to clarify here that I do not believe getting fired was a spiritual battle. That’s life, and bad people do bad things. We all know life is not fair. That being said, there was a spiritual battle raging again, and again, it was in my mind. All those doubts about trusting my gut that I struggled with years before, the enemy immediately pounced on and reignited that fire making me question everything again.
I was certain I had God’s blessing to take this position, and I was certain my success was His grace and blessing. So, what is this? What is happening? I doubted God’s goodness, and I was angry!!
I'm so confused
I know I heard you loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don't wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I've got is hurt and these four words
Thy will be done
I know you're good
But this don't feel good right now
And I know you think
Of things I could never think about
It's hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you're God
And I am not
Hillary Scott & The Scott Family - Thy Will
Jesus said, "Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth" (Matthew 5:5).
I had a choice to make. Surrender to “thy will,” and be weak/meek, or fight?
I chose surrender.
After receiving that horrible call, I gave myself a few hours to absorb the shock. I prayed, cried, and wrestled with God, and all the negative thoughts going through my head, but then something in me just clicked.
I remember praying, God, this is too much right now. I don’t see any good coming from this in this moment, but I will choose to trust you right here and now. I surrender. I give all my anger and emotions right here and now to you. I humbly lay all of this at your feet. What happened makes no sense, but I decided I was going to put on my armor and fight this battle, His way.
I chose to be meek.
"Meekness" is a humble attitude that expresses itself in the patient endurance of offenses. "Gentleness" is a practical synonym. It implies mercy and self-restraint. Meekness is not weakness.
Sometimes we confuse the two. But the difference between a meek person and a weak person is this: a weak person can't do anything. A meek person, on the other hand, can do something but chooses not to.” (Who are the Meek?)
I was starting a new life with a wonderful man. I was blessed. This was just a job. It wasn’t my identity. I am so much more than the mere number that company saw me to be, and through this injustice, I faced a fear that had haunted me my entire life, getting fired. Now it had happened.
The only power that fear had over me was whether or not I was going to allow it to define me and stop me.
“The Devil whispered in my ear: ‘You’re not strong enough to withstand the storm.’ I whispered back: ‘I am the storm.” ― Adharanand Finn
Because I made my choices in navigating this storm, I became incredibly strong and empowered. That fear no longer controls or drives me, and I hope this helps others. People get fired. Company’s fire good employees for various reasons, most of which do not make sense.
If what I have been through so far in life is as bad as it gets, I will thank God and count my blessings. Not that I welcome trials, but I am grateful for the power and strength I have gained from each and every one, and, I am aware there are far greater struggles I could face.
Please understand, I am not saying all of this happened immediately. I was not instantly “over” all of this. I am not superhuman, but in time, I took my power back. I leaned into God and sought His understanding. Through surrender and choosing meekness, I gained power over my circumstances. I chose better over bitter, and I got even stronger than I could have imagined.
Remember I previously stated the word surrender is tied closely to the word humility. It takes humility to surrender. It takes obedience to be humble enough to surrender, and it requires commitment to stay on that path. Not really sexy, but definitely worth the effort!
Here’s what surrender taught me…
“Winning [quitting, not being fired] still matters. We navigate ways to get the crown, end up first, and gain the praise of our peers. Living with humility does not come naturally to any of us. Willingly putting ourselves second or third does not seem to make sense.
Surrendering to God’s will is a learned skill that takes a lifetime to develop.
If we are honest, the idea of surrender can seem foreign, unnatural, even unattractive. The more we take our lives and place them before God, the more we will be changed from the inside out.” ~ Laura Story
We think we know what is best, so we ask God to help us with our plans on our terms. When we let go, and surrender, we discover that our plans for the future, security, and certain health were all a façade. We aren’t really in control anyway so why carry that burden of pretending to be. Our prayers should always be honest, but end with “thy will be done” because in the end, His will is always better than ours.
By surrendering and letting God carry all the emotions, I was strong in His strength. I was at peace to move forward with my life with the light of the truth in front of me. I knew the facts and truth in what had happened, and the darkness of what had happened was overcome. I would not allow the shame of being fired to control me or hold me back. I faced it head on!
God’s armor is real, and it has power when we are faced with trials. You can trust it. You can lean into it. The Sword of the Spirit will fight for you when you are tired. You can stand firm in the Belt of Truth when you have the Light of truth guiding you. The Shield of Faith will protect you from the enemy when he attacks you in your surrender and meekness to God’s will over yours. You will find rest in the storm wearing the Sandels of Peace.
Sometimes when our biggest fears actually happen, God will use them to reveal to us that He’s bigger and better than ANYTHING this world can throw at us.
“Everyone has noticed how hard it is to turn our thoughts to God when everything is going well with us... While what we call 'our own life' remains agreeable, we will not surrender it to Him. What, then, can God do in our interests but make 'our own life' less agreeable to us, and take away the plausible sources of false happiness?” ~ C.S Lewis
We want what we want, how we want it, when we want it, but just, What if…
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise
Something to consider: It’s important to keep in mind that not every setback or struggle in our lives is spiritual bondage. Many things happen because we live in a fallen and broken world, but it is important to know the difference! If you are stuck in a destructive pattern, it might be time to reach out for some counseling. It takes a stronger person to ask for help than it does to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and live-in denial or go it alone. Life is too short, and real freedom is available.
By the way, NOTHING could have stopped this day from happening.
