the girl I used to know
Image purchased from Shutterstock
Sometimes I look in the mirror and I don’t know who I see.
The face that’s looking back at me is not who I used to be.
Those lines and wrinkles, age spots and more,
Lose skin and gray hairs I simply cannot ignore.
I wonder how she got there in the place I used to be.
But then she smiles, and I can see the truth that lies within.
For therein stands a woman where a girl once had been.
A woman of wisdom, a woman of strength.
A woman who’s weathered storms.
A woman of faith, an imperfect woman, but a woman who is transformed.
Sometimes I look in the mirror and I don’t know who I see.
Foolishly seeking that twenty-year-old I still think I should be,
All those lines and all that I see
Are pieces of the story that makes me, me.
For I am now the woman God has crafted me to be.
For where a young, naïve girl used to be,
Now stands a woman who is wiser and free.
~Melinda Olsen
“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.”
Am I the only one who looks in the mirror and cannot believe how things have changed? Do you sometimes wonder where that person you used to see looking back at you has gone? Are you tired of chasing your youth?
Do you need permission to be free? Are you exhausted from trying to live up to the physical expectations this world shoves at us about being “perfect?” As if that’s even possible. Today’s message is not just for women. This can apply to men as well. Men experience appearance and physique pressures too. In my humble opinion, I’m not certain the standards are as intense as what women are held to, but it exists just the same.
What I will say to men who have women in their lives, albeit wives, partners, and especially if you have daughters, focusing on character attributes more than physical attributes is critical. Trust me, as women, we are fully aware of the physical attributes this world says are “the best,” most likable, or most appealing. Reinforcement of that information from key male figures in our lives only magnifies and perpetuates the struggle we already feel.
photo by Limor Zellermayer @limorganon
Physical appearances come and go, but our character is our soul, and that is with us always.
What young girls need is encouragement and support to learn to love those qualities that make them who they are inside, those qualities that will make them women of integrity, and those qualities that no matter their circumstances in life, will sustain them. Physical appearances come and go, but our character is our soul, and that is with us always, and that is what sustains us in trials.
If I could advise young women about anything, it would be to take care of your physical body but spend more time developing your character, integrity, and caring for your soul. The physical definitely matters, don’t get me wrong, exercise has always been a part of my personal care routine, but whether we like it or not, chasing our physical attributes of youth, to a certain degree is futile and will leave us shallow, depressed, and lonely people.
If I could tell all young people today of one sure key to overall happiness it would be to learn to love yourself and the body God has given you. Care for it as best as you can, exercise, eat right, do all those things, but do not allow your physical appearance or your perception of it to inhibit your ability to truly engage in and enjoy your life. As I approach 57, this is something I wish I had done a better job of.
I look back to the times at the beach with my babies and I was so uncomfortable with my body that I couldn’t let go and fully enjoy just being at the beach with my boys. Sitting where I am today, I can tell you, that time was gone in a blink, and I am pretty certain my sons could have cared less if I wore a bikini or a one piece. And, to my knowledge, I have never seen any of the other beach dwellers from that day. So, why did it matter?
Why does it STILL matter?
Image purchased from Shutterstock
I feel confident I don’t need to sell anyone on the value we place on youth and being young in our society. Companies get it. They spend more than $17 BILLION each year marketing to the younger generations and even more on top of that to the older populations promoting the sustaining/maintaining of youth.
It’s no wonder we are so focused on the external, we are constantly bombarded to look sexy, be young, look young, do this diet, take this pill, buy this product. The media, marketing, and advertising business in these areas are booming. They have the corner on pulling us in and making us feel as though youth can last forever if we just take this class, or this pill, or buy this machine.
And yet, at the end of the day, the harsh reality is, there is no miracle pill, no magic wand, and no fountain of youth that will keep us physically young forever. So, do your best to do what you can to care for your physical body, but spend even more time developing your character, integrity, and caring for your soul.
“Let me tell you something - being thought of as a beautiful woman has spared me nothing in life. No heartache, no trouble. Love has been difficult. Beauty is essentially meaningless, and it is always transitory.”~ Halle Berry
There’s so much more to life and there is meant to be so much more to us!
photo by Jackson David @jacksondavid
One of the first and most difficult parts of aging is the acceptance of it. Let’s just call a spade a spade, no one wants to get older. It’s much more fun being physically young for sure! We can wear whatever we want, and it pretty much always looks good. We can go without makeup and still look great. The aches and pains that come with age are basically non-existent in our youth…the list goes on.
I am not saying that we just have to accept getting old and therefore shut down. I’m not saying that we should have the mindset of, well, I am old now so I’m not going to try new things or learn new things. I am also not saying that we stop living and just get old, nor am I saying that working out hard and staying as fit as possible is bad. Just don’t prioritize those things over growing in character and growing your soul.
So, what do I mean when I speak of our soul? I will assume everyone knows what I mean when I speak of growing in character and integrity, but what exactly does it mean to grow our souls? What does that look like? How do we do that?
An important sidenote, the Bible uses spirit and soul interchangeably. For example…
In John 12:27, Jesus says, “Now is my soul troubled,” whereas in a very similar context in the next chapter John says that Jesus was “troubled in spirit” (John 13:21). Similarly, we read Mary’s words in Luke 1:46–47: “My soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior.” This seems to be an example of Hebrew parallelism—a poetic device that repeats the same idea using synonymous words.
Additionally, people who have died and gone to heaven or hell are referred to as either “spirits” (such as in Hebrews 12:23 and 1 Peter 3:19) or “souls” (such as in Revelation 6:9 and Revelation 20:4). zondervan academic blog-what-is-the-soul
photo by Edgar Mountain @edgarmountain
Whether people are religious or not, most people believe they have some form of a spirit or soul, something that separates us from the animals, something that makes us human, and something that will live on long after we are gone. As a Christian, we know it is our soul/spirit that will live on in eternity. This is why tending to the growth of our soul/spirit matters far beyond our physical appearances. The body will one day go, but our spirit/soul will live on.
As an almost 57 year-young woman who is grateful for the love and patience God has shown me, and his faithfulness to develop my character and soul, it is my desire for younger women to receive this message that I and so many other women who have walked this journey before you know at this stage in life. A message that those of us who have earned each line and wrinkle, and every scar we bear from being refined by the fires of this life cannot emphasize enough.
There is tremendous wisdom in listening and learning from those who have gone before you.
We know from, Proverbs 19:20-21 (NIV) “Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise. Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.”
A well-developed soul is what will get you through the hard times of this life. A well-developed soul is what will sustain you when your world might one day collapse under your feet. A well-developed soul will be your sustaining grace when nothing else or no one else is around to sustain you.
Growing our souls and becoming a woman of virtue, strength, and faith means we know what matters most in life.
We understand that our pant size, our bra size, our wrinkles, our gray hairs, our muscle definition, and so on are not what gives depth to our soul. Again, I am not saying that caring for ourselves and wanting to be our best selves at each stage of life is bad or wrong. Where it gets questionable, and potentially an idol in our way, is when dwelling on such things and spending more time working on temporary things is of a greater concern than the time and effort spent developing our spirit or soul.
Remember, our soul is our connection to our higher power. It’s our connection to God our creator. This connection, this relationship is what gives us our strength when we are broken by this life, when there is nothing else to sustain us in pain, anger, betrayal, or when we are simply at the end of our rope, and we’ve got nothing else to hold on to.
So, how does one grow our soul/spirit?
Great question! Remember, we are all a work in progress until the day Jesus returns and makes us whole, but here are some things I do to develop my soul, and many of my women friends do the same. This is how we have developed the depth of soul that has been our rock and fortress in our trials of this life.
Do a healthy purge.
Rid yourself of things that do not edify your soul. It could be that Netflix series you binge on instead of reading or listening to the Bible. (Remember my Sex in the City purge?) Change the station. What music do you fill your mind and thoughts with? Is it encouraging your faith or pulling you away from it. Is it pulling you more towards worldly things or heavenly things? Turn on KLove radio. Try it for 30 days and see if it lifts your spirit. Rid yourself of things that pull you to the temporary things of this world and away from what helps build deep roots that will anchor you in a storm.
Love others.
I have always told my sons, when you are feeling at the bottom and depressed, go do something for someone else. Love on someone else. Sometimes we have to get out of ourselves to nourish our soul. Encourage someone else. Build someone else up. It can be as simple as buying someone on the street a cup of coffee or a meal.
Pray & meditate.
photo by Ben White @benwhitephotography
Pray & meditate.
Communicate with God. I literally have an on-going dialogue with God all day long. It seriously never ends. He’s my best friend, and I even told Greg that before we married. My soul is nourished through prayer and an intimate relationship with Jesus. If you are uncomfortable with this, start with gratitude. Being grateful is a place of humility, and an excellent way to open up communication with our creator and savior.
Mediation has a worldly meaning, which I am not referring to here. I am referring to the biblical sense of meditation where you focus on the word of God. Think deeply over scripture and ask God to help you understand its meaning and purpose in your life.
Community.
I say it all the time, and I will say it until the day I die because that’s how much I know it is true! We are not meant to do this life alone. We need a community of believers to nourish our souls. We also need to be a part of nourishing the souls of others.
The last one I will mention may sound strange, but it deepens our faith and nourishes our soul.
Fasting.
“When you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show others they are fasting. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. 17 But when you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face, 18 so that it will not be obvious to others that you are fasting, but only to your Father, who is unseen; and your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.” Matthew 6:16-18 (NIV)
Spiritual fasting is meant to humble us and draw attention to our need for Jesus to sustain us through all circumstances, even hunger. This is how it nourishes our spirit/soul. It is not something we are to do and brag about for attention, but rather what we do to develop a deeper connection in our souls to our creator.
“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” Proverbs 31:30 (NIV)
photo by Caroline Veronez @carolineveronez
As the opening poem states, I don’t recognize that woman in the mirror anymore, and I thank God each day for that blessing. God has allowed trials, temptations, hurts, struggles, and all sorts of detours to make me the woman I am today, and I am so grateful for the fires.
I was chasing all the wrongs things in my youth. I was thumbing my nose at God and the gift of my healthy body by always chasing another’s woman physique, and look, but through the school of hard knocks and failures I am happier now with the woman I see in the mirror because, while I do care about my health and my looks, I care more about my soul and how it looks to God than how my physical appearance looks to the world.
