we teach people

photo credit: Gemma Chua-Tran @gemmachuatran

“You get what you tolerate.”
― Henry Cloud

At some point in life, barring victim situations, we have to own that we have the life we want if we aren’t willing to do the hard work to change it.

“Melinda, you didn’t cause your husband to make the decisions he made that broke your heart, destroyed your family, and brought you to this place in your life. You aren’t to blame for his choices, his behaviors, or his actions that hurt you, but you were part of a dysfunctional marriage.”

“If you don’t figure out why you walked on eggshells and allowed yourself to be bullied and enable that behavior…YOU WILL REPEAT this cycle because, as miserable as it is, it has become your normal.”

Those were the words of one of my counselors back in 2001 when our world crumbled beneath us. To say I was angry at his words would be an understatement. Furious would be more accurate!

How dare he put this on me!

How dare he put a curse on me and say I am destined to repeat this cycle if I don’t, “figure out what I owned” in the dysfunction of our marriage!

Our words have tremendous power, not that we can “speak things into being,” but sometimes our words become a self-fulfilling prophecy to us or others.

Side note here: This was my negative interpretation of the counselors words in that moment. I received those words as a “curse” spoken over me because I was not in a place to receive them at that time. However, as you will see, I later learned they were actually a blessing.

Speaking truth in love is what we are called to do. Telling people what they want to hear because we don’t want to confront them, hurt them, or because we are afraid is actually more damaging than being honest.

I’m going to talk about a dirty word today that 99.9% of the population despises, mainly because society has given this word some really bad publicity, we ourselves are stubborn and don’t want to have this used with us, but more so because we are hard wired for self-centeredness and born with a sinful nature.

“For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want.” (Galatians 5:17)

Did those words make you bristle? Did they settle wrong with you, hearing that you/we are inherently sinful people? Nor do we want to believe that about people we love, like our children, our spouses, parents…

None of us like to think that we aren’t a “good person.” We all want to believe that we are authentically, genuinely good…but we aren’t. Our inherent nature, our authentic self is sinful.

“For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person.” (Mark 7:21-23)

Every single one of us has a bent towards rebellion. Therefore, boundaries are necessary.

BOUNDARIES! Is the word!

Boundaries are defined by Webster’s as, “something that shows where an area ends and another begins, a point or limit that indicates a bounding line.”

Ashley Hales, author of, “A Spacious Life, Trading Hustle and Hurry for the Goodness of Limits,” says, “I remember how the world came to be with boundary lines. Limits are built into the fabric of creation as part of God's loving rule and care.”

“Limits are not a result of sin, strictures, and straight-jackets to hold us down, but a part of God's very good plan. Creation was given limits: to reproduce, to be subject to the changing of seasons.”

“Subject to time, change, and a cycle between fallow and flourishing. There were limits on celestial bodies: the sun was to rule the day and the moon the night.”

“Even the naming of the world, of light and dark, of seas and land, gave meaning to something that before had no meaning. Without the loving setting of limits on the natural world, our world would be without form and void.”

Limits, given to the world by a loving God, are the conditions for life. 

Who taught the sun where to stand in the morning?
And who told the ocean, you can only come this far?
And who showed the moon where to hide 'til evening?
Whose words alone can catch a falling star?

-Nicole Mullins, My Redeemer Lives

photo credit: Dan Meyers @dmey503

Rejecting rules, pushing the boundaries, not having boundaries, not setting boundaries, for us or others, complicates life, and actually does just the opposite of giving us freedom.

No boundaries, weak boundaries, unclear boundaries, moving boundaries is harmful to us and others.

Lack of boundaries actually steals from us.

Stick with me and I will explain.

We are hard wired from birth to rebel against rules and authority. Don’t believe me? Read the story of Adam and Eve in the book of Genesis.

Adam and Eve lived in a perfect world, a garden filled with anything they could possibly need and want, and God gave them authority over it all!

There was just one simple rule. They could not eat of one tree in the entire garden. ONE tree that was God’s ONLY rule folks, and they could not do it!

Satan tempted them, told them God was withholding the one thing that would make them equal to Him in His wisdom.

Long story short, their authentic, sinful, rebellious nature overcame them, and now we have death and pain and sorrow because of it.

Boundaries were put in place to protect the first humans and the perfect world they lived in, human nature to reject rules or boundaries delivered repercussions we still live with today.

“Melinda, you didn’t cause your husband to make the decisions he made that broke your heart, destroyed your family, and brought you to this place in your life, but if you don’t figure out why you stayed, walked on eggshells, and allowed yourself to enable that behavior…YOU WILL REPEAT this cycle.”

These words haunted me for days/weeks after the counselor said them to me. I just kept praying about them, asking God to take away the anger I felt because of them, but instead, I was convicted to return to that counselor and dig into that statement…

“…if you don’t figure out why you stayed…YOU WILL REPEAT this cycle.”

I had no idea I would spend years in counselling, digging into the “why” of my dysfunctional marriage and my part in that, but I am eternally grateful that that counselor spoke truth to me and was not afraid to tell me something he likely knew I did not want to hear, but needed to.

photo credit: Sydney Sims @fairytailphotography

Here are some of the biggest, most important things I learned about myself in therapy.

These are not personal to just me. You might identify yourself in some as well.

I learned A LOT about myself and how past interactions with key people in my life affected my inability to set healthy boundaries.

I learned that I was quite negatively impacted by key people in my life who weren’t confident in their own ability to make decisions, were wafflers in their ability to make decisions, and who weren’t clear or consistent in their expectations of me, of others, or even of themselves.

I learned that my birth order impacted my personality and how I took on the responsibility to keep peace or fix things in relationships.

I learned how someone else’s childhood and their trauma can impact my life in a negative way even if they had no idea and that wasn’t their intention.

I learned how much of my behavior was guilt driven. Guilt is NOT from God.

I learned how much I allowed others to put their monkeys on my back.

I learned that past sin and shame affected me deeply and it influenced what I thought I deserved and had to tolerate from others because I couldn’t accept God’s forgiveness, nor could I forgive myself.

I learned, as Brené Brown says, “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.” Not setting clear expectations and being wishy washy about them and inconsistency in keeping them is unkind and harmful.

I learned that true, lasting change is really, really hard and demands patience, tons of effort/work, and intentionality, but it’s so worth it.

I learned many important things about myself that truly helped me heal, own, and change unhealthy behaviors, but most importantly I learned that I teach people how to treat me.

I! TEACH! People…how to treat me.

I am responsible for that.

photo credit: Kirill Palii

Now before I go on, suffice it to say, what I am sharing here, excludes horrible things such as child abuse, sexual abuse, severe physical abuse, anything along those lines where someone is controlling or overpowering another/weaker person.

There are many situations in life where there are true victims.

This is not what I am referring to.

I am not, was not a victim.

My counselor forced me to face something about myself that would have remained in the darkness and would have continued to ruin my life, and likely ruined my sons lives too.  

Boundaries in my personal life are important, but they were critical in my role as a mom. If I had not learned what I did about myself and my weaknesses, I would not have set clear, healthy, and consistent boundaries for my sons, hindering another generation.

This isn’t to say life was perfect, or I was perfect, or we were perfect, or our lives were perfect once I learned this life skill.

I’m saying that my life improved significantly, and therefore I was able to teach my sons the importance of boundaries, and that we teach people how to treat us.

At some point in life, barring the aforementioned victim situations, we have to own that we have the life we want if we aren’t willing to do the hard work to change it.

We set the expectations.

We allow what we allow, or don’t allow.

I can say this because I did this. I lived this.

I enabled my ex’s bad moods by jumping through hoops when he was home to keep him from getting angry.

I backed down and didn’t hold him accountable when I asked him questions he didn’t want to answer.

I made excuses for him and his behavior when others questioned his moods and disposition.

I covered for him when he wasn’t home or didn’t go places with us, but really had no idea where he was.

There are many, many more darker examples, but I think you get the picture.

I was an enabler and codependent. I did not teach my ex how to treat me. I allowed him to bully me, but I was determined to break this cycle with my sons, and leaving their dad was the first step.

Getting counseling and understanding who I was in that marriage was the second step.

Setting clear boundaries with my sons was third.

Implementing the boundaries and being consistent in enforcing them was the fourth step.

I want to share with you a couple powerful truths from, Boundaries: When To Say Yes, How to Say No, by authors Dr. Henry Could & Dr. John Townsend. If you haven’t read it, I strongly encourage you too. It speaks to everyone, but especially enablers and codependents.

The following content, some quoted, some paraphrased is from their book.

“God's world is set up with laws and principles. Spiritual realities are as real as gravity, and if you do not know them, you will discover their effects. Just because we have not been taught these principles of life and relationships does not mean they will not rule.”

We need to know the principles God has woven into life and operate according to them. Below are just a couple of the ten laws of boundaries that you can learn, to help you to begin to experience life differently.

Law 1: The law of cause and effect is a basic law of life. The Bible calls it the Law of sewing and reaping. “You reap what you sew.” when God tells us that we will reap what we sow, he is not punishing us; He is telling us how things really are.

photo credit: Nandhu Kumar @nandhukumarndd

If you smoke you might get lung cancer. If you overspend, you most likely will get calls from creditors, and you may not have the money for other necessities.

Sometimes, however, people don't reap what they sow because someone steps in and reaps the consequences for them. A person who continually steps in, rescues, and prevents others from suffering the consequences of their choices is called a codependent.

In effect, codependent, boundaryless people “cosign the note” of life for the irresponsible people in their lives. Codependent people need to stop interrupting the law of Sowing and Reaping in their loved ones life.

Boundaries force the person who is doing the sewing also to do the reaping.

It doesn't help just to confront the irresponsible person. Confronting an irresponsible person is not painful to them; only consequences are.

Law 2: The law of responsibility. An aspect of being responsible “to” it's not only in the giving but in the setting of limits on another destructive and irresponsible behavior. It is not good to rescue someone from the consequences of their sin, for you will only have to do it again. You have reinforced the pattern.

It is hurtful not to have limits with others. It leads them to destruction.

People with boundary problems usually have distorted attitudes about responsibility. They feel that to hold people responsible for their feelings, choices, and behaviors is mean. However, Proverbs repeatedly says that setting limits and accepting responsibility will save lives (Prov. 13:18, 24).

“When we begin to set boundaries with people we love, a really hard thing happens: they hurt. They may feel a hole where you used to plug up their aloneness, their disorganization, or their financial irresponsibility. Whatever it is, they will feel a loss.”

“If you love them, this will be difficult for you to watch. But, when you are dealing with someone who is hurting, remember that your boundaries are both necessary for you and helpful for them. If you have been enabling them to be irresponsible, your limit setting may nudge them toward responsibility.”

(End of paraphrased content from, Boundaries: When To Say Yes, How to Say No, by authors Dr. Henry Could & Dr. John Townsend)

At some point in life, barring victim situations, we have to own that we have the life we want…

You either teach people to treat you with dignity and respect, or you don't. This means you are partly responsible for the mistreatment that you get at the hands of someone else.

You shape others' behavior when you teach them what they can get away with and what they cannot.

If the people in your life treat you in an undesirable way, figure out what you are doing to reinforce, elicit or allow that treatment.

Identify the payoffs you may be giving someone in response to any negative behavior. For example, when people are aggressive, bossy or controlling — and then they get their way, you do whatever it takes to make them happy or fix it for them, you have rewarded them for unacceptable behavior.

This is exactly what I did in my first marriage. I rewarded his bad and negative behaviors out of fear and taking a path of least resistance.

You get to decide what you will put up with or not. It doesn’t matter if the relationship is 5 days or 30 years. It’s still open for negotiation. It will be very hard work, but I promise you it will be worth the effort.

“The worst thing you could do is make a lot of noise about changing things, only to revert to the old, familiar, destructive patterns. To talk about change and not to do it is to teach that person to treat your statements and declarations lightly. You will teach him or her to be patient, confident that you will soon give in. Where your relationship standards are concerned, commit to yourself that, although it may be difficult to effect change, you must not compromise. To compromise in this area is to sell out your most precious commodity: you.” -Dr. Phil