ambiguous loss
losing someone who’s still living
"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."
“One of the hardest things you will ever have to do, my dear, is to grieve the loss of a person who is still alive.” UA
This past week was my son’s 31st birthday, and the fourth birthday that I have not gotten to wish him a happy birthday because he has asked that I do not contact him in any way. If you had told me when he was younger and still in my home that this would one day be our relationship, I would have never believed it. We were so close. We used to have so much fun together. Not many could make me laugh harder than him.
By the grace of God, I have never experienced the death of a child, and I would never presume to understand that kind of loss completely. In my humble opinion, you simply cannot fully understand it unless you personally experience it. However, ambiguous loss happens when you’ve lost someone who is still living, and believe me, you grieve that loss. Losing someone to death is finite. It’s certain, and there’s no doubt you should have pain. But…ambiguous loss is still painful. It leaves a parent to grieve, and most often leaves you without any sense of closure.
Unlike death, ambiguous loss is not finite. It’s full of uncertainties, and it happens when a relationship profoundly changes or simply ‘is’ no longer. Ambiguous loss leaves you full of unanswered questions. You hold out hope that the person will return, and things will be normal again, and yet as time moves on you mourn the loss of the time that is passing by, as well as the opportunities for repairing and restoring that relationship.
photo by Ümit Bulut @umit
While I miss my son terribly, I have learned that I alone cannot repair or restore this relationship, nor do I wish for it to be restored as it was when he closed the door. It has to be different than it was. To be honest, I don’t know what that looks like, but I know and trust that God does. I love the quote, and I’m not certain who it should be credited to, but it states, “you take care of things that are dear to God’s heart, and he’ll take care of what’s dear to you.”
I know God wants me to lean into Him with this, to trust Him and while I am waiting, to seek the areas of my heart that need correcting, and healing, and mending, which is why I frequently pray Psalm 139: 23-24, “Investigate my life, O God, find out everything about me; Cross-examine and test me, get a clear picture of what I’m about; See for yourself whether I’ve done anything wrong—then guide me on the road to eternal life.”
I want God to open my eyes, to remove the veil if there are things in my heart that need to be changed. Over the years since I “lost” my son, God has been faithful to help me see areas of my heart that needed change, and words, while maybe not meant to be, still could have been hurtful. He has also helped me understand the issues in our relationship that I do not own.
He has called me to own what is mine, and yet comforted me in understanding what part of the loss was not of my doing.
My part right now, is to honor my son’s request for space, and to continue to pray for him. Pray that God will do the work in both our hearts that needs to be done. God knows how important my son is to me. In this pain and trial, God wants me to take care of my heart, making sure it stays open to Him and His leading, that it doesn’t become hard and bitter towards my son because of the grief.
Most importantly God desires that I trust that His lead, His idea of what restoration will look like, His timing, and that His good work in me, and that which He’s also begun in my son will come to fruition when the time is right. He will be faithful to care for what’s dear to me.
photo by Ben White @benwhitephotography
Heavenly Father,
You are so good. Your mercy and grace overwhelm me.
Thank you for loving us, and caring for the prodigals, because in reality, we are all prodigals.
Jesus we ask that you examine our hearts daily.
Reveal anything that is not of you that can bring harm to others.
Give us the courage, the humility, and the desire to change what needs to be changed.
Jesus, losing someone we love who is still living, ambiguous loss, is so painful.
Heal our hearts and help us to keep the faith.
Father, please continue to give us a renewed hope that there will be healing and restoration before it’s too late.
This I pray, not just for myself, but for my son, and all who feel the pain and grief of ambiguous loss.
In Jesus most precious & holy name,
Amen
Something to consider: If you are a parent estranged from a child, I came across something that resonated with me so I thought I would share.
When Your Adult Child Stops Talking to You: 5-Things-They-Want-You-to-Know
