parenting adults — Melinda Olsen

“For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you. We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives, so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light.”

(Colossians 1:9-12 NIV)

It is hard to ever imagine when your babies are small and active from the wee early morning until you collapse into your bed at night, exhausted from all the parenting you have done all day, that there will come a day when you actually wonder, did I parent enough?

Was I truly engaged enough with them?

Did I prepare them well for their journey ahead?

There will be a day when you pray that all the, “because I said so’s” sunk in and God willing, impressed upon their hearts the value of your wisdom, instead of them thinking/knowing it was your blow off response because you were tired and done talking about an issue or reiterating a rule.

Will they value the things I have taught them?

Will it matter what I think about their choices?

The past few weeks I have seen post after post on social media of parents moving their kids to college or moving them to new cities or states. For many of them this was their first experience with letting their children go, and for others, this was a repeat of this time last year, or of years past.

Either way, whether it is the first experience at letting go of the reigns or a familiar experience of releasing them to the world, it’s never easy.

I remember when my sons left home. They each left home, for good at 17. I’m not going to lie; I don’t think every empty nest experience is the same. For me, having been a single mom for so many, many years, and dealing with some of the struggles we had, there was a sense of relief to a small, very small degree.

Yet, in spite of that bit of relief, it still felt like it was way too soon. They seemed too young. I wasn’t ready. How on earth could they be as ready as they seemed to be? Had I prepared them well for this big bad world? How could I keep them from being hurt? How can I protect them now that they aren’t in my home any longer?

I can honestly say…

I have never been a helicopter mom.

I have other flaws for sure, but that wasn’t one. I am more of a tough lover, and believe in the power of life’s lessons, as painful as they can be to experience and especially to watch our children experience.

Consequences are a necessary evil in the refining of a spirit, but now we were playing in the big leagues, and the price can be much, much greater.

Full transparency, my greatest fear and question was, how can I keep them from making the mistakes their dad and I had made, individually and as a couple? How can I prevent them from hurting others or being hurt as we were? How can I make sure they choose the right path, the right career, the right spouse? How can I keep them in their faith?

On and on the fear of having lost all control was consuming, until one day it wasn’t, and that became a turning point in my relationship with my adult sons.

One day, God made it clear to me that it was MY heart that needed to be changed.

I remember the time, I was praying over decisions the boys were making, asking God to show me how to change them, begging him to change their choices and behaviors.

I was seeking God’s intervention. I wanted him to to step in and not allow them to make certain decisions because I knew there was going to be pretty big negative consequences, but instead God spoke to my heart.

I was reminded of how I prayed for them when they were under my roof, God, please bring anything harmful they might be doing into the light. Please don’t allow them to “get away with” behaviors or choices that can lead to permanent life challenges. Please bring them into the light so the enemy has no stronghold over them.

I was reminded that I raised my sons to know the Lord. They are baptized, so the Holy Spirit lives in them! What a better form of conviction that is over anything I could say or do. I was reminded to pray for the Holy Spirit to convict and to intercede, but for God’s will and protection overall.

I was reminded of what it took to get my faith to where it is now. My faith was shallow. It wasn’t mine. My parents had laid the foundation and planted and nurtured the seeds of faith, which is a crucial responsibility of parents, but it still wasn’t personal until I experienced the trials and the fires.

“Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tried you in the furnace of affliction.”
(Isaiah 48:10 ESV)

BECAUSE OF the fires and trials I went through the roots began to grow deeper and it was the pain and the challenges that developed and shaped my faith. Not because he rescued me from all my poor choices or because God spared me the consequences of my decisions. He reminded me that just as my parents had no control or ability to force me to live exactly as they desired, neither do I have such control with my sons.

That was the day I laid my sons at the foot of the cross and relinquished the false sense of control that I had. That was the day the weight was lifted off my shoulders and the enemy lost his power over the lies I was believing. I believed it was my job to make them who they are supposed to be. I had done my job to the best of my ability. Now it was time to let go and trust God with their futures. It was time to believe the scriptures that I prayed over my sons and for myself, and to pray them with confidence and faith.

“And so I am sure confident that God, who began this good work in you, will carry it on until it is finished on the Day of Christ Jesus.”
(Philippians 1:6 GNT)

And that became a turning point in my relationship with my adult sons. I was no longer approaching every conversation anxious and tense, ready for battle, or just waiting for the chance to lecture them. Instead I wanted to engage in a conversation with a curiosity to understand, hoping for an opportunity to be invited to share some wisdom or insight.

We must give our children the gift of letting go.

Our kids are supposed to grow up and away. If we do our jobs right and don’t helicopter parent, they will be confident enough to leave home and take risks. They won’t be afraid of failure because we have given them the confidence they need to recover and recalibrate. Making mistakes is painful but think about how much you have personally grown by navigating your mistakes. Don’t you want the same for your children?

It's tough letting go, but it helps to remember you never really had control anyway. Our children never really belong to us anyway. They belong to God. They are going to make decisions that we don’t like, that go against what we have taught them, and even decisions that will go against what we believe biblically, politically, socially, you name it. Let it go. You cannot control it. You still have the right to hold them accountable, have boundaries, and you can and should call for respect, but allow them the space to grow.

The parent child relationship is supposed to be and feel different once our children become adults. I’m not going to sit here and say I have it mastered because I do not! I am a continual work in progress, but the key is that I am always working on it, knowing I cannot do it without the help of the ultimate Father, God. As this relationship changes from parenting a child to being the parent of an adult, sometimes it will happen naturally, but sometimes it might take some work.

Here are some things you can do to foster a healthy relationship with your adult children. Some of these of course are only applicable assuming there is a mutual desire to have a relationship. Keep in mind, you can’t fix something if someone won’t meet you halfway, but you can always pray over the relationship. That doesn’t take two. (adaptations from The Hartford-parenting-adult-children)
1.     Pray for your relationship with your adult children as it is changing and as it will continue to change. Prayer should always be our first line of defense.
2.    Stay close to God’s word. It is the only unchanging thing we will ever have, and it will always apply to anything we encounter on this earth.
3.    Honor your differences. You can’t fix everything, but you can try to find common ground and joy in connecting outside of your differences. I may not agree with all our kids do, but I can still let them know they are loved and accepted. I don’t have to affirm all they do, just as God doesn’t affirm all I do, but I am called to love unconditionally.
4.    Understand your child’s temperament and when sharing your wisdom and discernment, do so with grace. Learn how best to communicate with them, and if you have multiple children, know their individual styles of communication. This will go a long way in building bonds. Think of how good you feel when someone speaks to you in a way that resonates well.
5.    Boundaries are necessary and healthy. As Brené Brown says, “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.” Some things are not meant to be shared between parents and their adult children. Some information just plain isn’t a parent’s business nor the business of your children.
6.    Be intentional to do things you love together. If you can’t think of things, discover new things together.
7.    Respect and include space for their significant other. Be kind and gracious. Make every effort to be open to get to know and love them if they matter to your son or daughter.
8.    Be someone they can seek advice and counsel from, not a boss who speaks authoritatively at them.
9.    Create an environment for open dialogue. You want your sons or daughters to have discussions with you so it’s important they feel safe doing so. This means creating a space where there is mutual respect and knowing when advice is being sought out or is someone just needing to verbally articulate what’s upsetting them without condemnation or your opinion.

There is no one size fits all to anything in this life, especially parent and child dynamics. These suggestions above might work for you and your family, but if your grown kids are still living at home, these suggestions would likely be significantly different, or if your parents are now living with you, the suggestions could take on a completely different shape. I would encourage you to take a look at this article, The Hartford-parenting-adult-children, from which I adapted the previous list. This article is well-written and covers a wide variety of scenarios when it come to parenting adult children. (see topics below)