seeing patterns
Photo by Shiromani Kant
“They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.”
“Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.” (Psalm 37:5 KJV)
No one wants to hear they are co-dependent. It’s not a term I ever wanted to own for myself. Of that I can assure you. But that is the truth I had to own after months, and months of counseling uncovered my unhealthy behavioral patterns. Naturally my first thought at the time was, O.K., now I have named “it/the problem,” now I will be free of this unhealthy behavior pattern, and I can move on right?
Wrong! Turns out naming it was only the beginning of fixing the pattern. Actually, that turned out to be the easiest part of changing an unhealthy pattern.
photo purchased from Shutterstock
“Our dilemma is that we hate change and love it at the same time; what we really want is for things to remain the same but get better.” -Sydney J. Harris
I want a new job. I wish I were in better shape. I want to do better with my finances. I want to understand why I do what I do. I want to overcome this addiction. I want to move past my divorce. I want to be a better mom, or dad, spouse, friend, daughter, you fill in the blank.
So, why don’t we do all these things we want to do? Why do we spend time and money reading and reading about what we want to do, and yet, years later, all those self-help books are collecting dust and here we sit, still in the same pattern(s) we were in before.
“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.” (Romans 7:15, 18, 19 NIV)
photo by Timothy Eberly @timothyeberly
This scripture tells us that the sin nature in each person influences what we do and the choices we make. In these verses, Paul is telling us that even if we want to do what we know is good, the sin inside of us can cause us to do those things we don’t want to. Making mistakes is an inevitable part of being a human because we all have a sin nature.
The world of self-help books is quite a lucrative business, especially during and after Covid. Tagari Publications shared some information back in February 2022 about the self-help publishing industry. They noted that, “US consumer spending on self-help grew to $502 million last year, according to NPD Group. Within the four years up to 2019, self-help books sold 18 percent more than they did in 2013.”
With over 40 million copies sold since 1989 when it was originally published, “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” is one of the most popular self-help books in the world. (By the way if you haven’t read this book I actually do recommend it. It is a fantastic, practical, and easily adaptable book.)
Something to keep in mind. According to wordsrated.com, 20 Million Bibles are sold EACH YEAR. 1.66 MILLION Bibles sold each month, and another 115,055 given aways or distributed every day.
photo by Jonathan Sanchez @jonathansancheziam
Tagari reports also noted, “73% of self-help book buyers are under the age of 45, according to Demographics of Self-Help Book Buyers. And the vast majority of self-made millionaires read two or more books each month, as shown in a study by Thomas Crowley.”
As of October 2022 here is a list of the top 10 Best Self Help Books Best Sellers. Do you notice a common thread tying them all together?
Greenlights by Mathew McConaughey
Stop Overthinking: 23 Techniques to Relieve Stress, Stop Negative Spirals, Declutter Your Mind, and Focus on the Present by Nick Trenton
Unfu*k Yourself: Get Out of Your Head and into Your Life by Gary John Bishop
Get Out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior by Marl Goulston
How to Stop Worrying and Start Living by Dale Carnegie
Whatever It Takes: Master the Habits to Transform Your Business, Relationships, and Life by Brandon Borancin
The Power of Your Subconscious Mind by Joseph Murphy
Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones by James Clear
Best Self: Be You, Only Better by Mike Bayer
The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are by Brené Brown
A study done by Inc Magazine found that of 41% of Americans who make New Year's resolutions, only 9% were successful in keeping them. Research can even predict which day you will quit your New Year's goals.
photo by Tim Mossholder @timmossholder
So, if the self-help book industry is booming, and people are searching for ways turn bad habits/patterns around, and we are still making New Year resolutions, then why do only 9% ever reach their goals, and how are we so predictable that research can predict down to the day a person will quit their goals?
Several things can factor into the reason(s) we do not stick with our goals, whatever those goals might be, but one of the first and in my humble opinion, a huge reason, is that many of us simply cannot be honest with ourselves about our unhealthy patterns. Often times we cannot step outside of a situation and realize we have been in this same place over and over again, and critically evaluate why.
We are amazing at justifying and finding all kinds of worldly support to justify our bad/unhealthy patterns. We need someone who knows us better to join us in our journey to overcome our unhealthy patterns. We need to invite our creator, God, because we know on our own we simply are not capable of change without accountability.
“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.”
photo by Yosi Prihantoro @yosipri
Those of us who have accepted Jesus as our Lord and Savior have been given the gift of the Holy Spirit. This is an amazing gift, full of power and wisdom that we can count on to guide us in our journey, but also call us out on behaviors and patterns that are damaging to our testimony and to our souls. Sometimes it might be through a friend, or an accountability partner, but we can be assured that if we invite God on our journey to overcome, we will overcome.
This gift is available to all who accept Jesus as their Lord and Savior.
The second reason we struggle seeing and owning unhealthy patterns is because change is HARD!!!! Hands down, breaking a pattern of co-dependency was difficult! Identifying the “it” was just the first, and turns out, the easiest step to changing an unhealthy pattern. If I wanted to obtain my goal of overcoming my bad marriage, I had to first break the pattern of behaviors I had developed over ten plus years. Those were now my normal, even though I was so unhappy.
For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.
photo by Karla Hernandez @karlahrnndz
We get comfortable in our normal, no matter how miserable we might be and how badly we want something different. Normal is where we put on our comfy sweats and curl up with a bowl of ice cream and watch a movie. Who wants to leave that space? But, if we don’t get uncomfortable, and if we are not willing to be uncomfortable for as long as it takes, patterns will remain, and goals will be unachieved.
Sometimes we don’t change because we think we deserve to suffer and be hurt and miserable. I will leave this one here, but if this is you, please seek counseling. This is not true, and your life can be much more.
From personal experience, I can tell you, change is incredibly hard. Leaving our comfort zone is never easy, even if you are a person who likes change, like me. Honestly identifying unhealthy patterns of behavior that continue bringing us the same unhealthy and empty results is the only way change will ever be possible, and your goals attained.
We can buy all the self-help books our bookshelves can hold, but the worlds advice will only get us so far.
photo by Nick Fewings @jannerboy62
Colossians 2:8 reminds us that we are not to rely on the ways of the world once we have become a child of God. The ways of the world would tell us that in order to make behavior change, we must muster up motivation and self-discipline and all sorts of strategies to make the behavior changes we desire to make. The way of God and the Bible tells us that we are to choose to depend on Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit that is in us to make these behavior changes. We must choose as an act of our will to depend upon Christ in the power of the Spirit. Faith and Health Connection
In Christ, we have all we need to overcome any unhealthy pattern(s) that keep us from achieving our goals and being all we can be. I’m not at all against self-help books. I think there is much to be gleaned from them, especially when it is written by someone who has overcome the pattern we are trying to change, but The Bible is the best self-help book you could ever read because God’s word is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow, and it covers every possible scenario we can ever face on this earth.
I also am a firm believer in coaching and or counseling or support groups. Accountability is also a key piece of the puzzle. We are all weak and we need others to hold us accountable. I’ve said it before, this is why people who join groups such as AA, Weight Watchers, and other support groups often see success in overcoming their unhealthy patterns. They are surrounded by people who “get it” and know all the tricks and lies we tell ourselves and they will call you out on them and raise the bar.
“We change our behavior when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing. Consequences give us the pain that motivates us to change.” Dr. Henry Cloud
Resources and references:
https://medium.com/s/story/no-please-help-yourself-981058f3b7cf
