what I say vs what is heard
intentions are only half of communicating
“Let me tell you something: Every one of these careless words is going to come back to haunt you. There will be a time of Reckoning. Words are powerful; take them seriously. Words can be your salvation. Words can be your damnation.” Mathew 12: 36-37 MSG
I swear I didn’t mean those words to hurt you. I love you and was only trying to find a way to communicate that love through the words I thought I had chosen carefully to speak specially to your heart. I thought you knew my heart, knew that I only want what’s good for you, never intending my words to harm you, and yet that’s exactly what they did.
I never dreamed what I thought was saying I love you, would be received as hurtful.
How is it possible that we can walk the same road with someone our entire lives, someone we know and love dearly, share the exact same experiences with them and yet have such different views, views so vastly different that even our words we believe to be loving and sincere can be construed as the complete opposite and cause someone to mix mortar to build another wall?
Photo purchased on Shutterstock.
Amy Grant released a new song this week that absolutely cut me to the core. From the first time I heard it, I was convicted and heartbroken, and yet reminded of the tangled web of misunderstanding and misperception our words can create. God speaks to the power of our words all throughout scripture. Clearly He wants us to get the message that words matter, and what we mean to say can be clouded by our behavior that essentially flows out of our heart.
You know the old sayings about our words and intentions right? The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never harm me. We know the first one can be true, the road to hell can be paved with all the things we always planned to do, said we would do, and intended to do, but we procrastinate, and time runs out and it’s too late. (This is especially true when we think about accepting Christ as our Savior.) We also know the second statement is definitely false. Words can and do harm us!
I’m not going to lie, this is a challenging subject for me to write about, one I have “wrestled” with God about all week, which is why I believe He has put it on my heart that this was going to be the subject of this week’s MMJS. He tends to work this way, pushing me, pushing all of us outside our comfort zone so that we grow in wisdom and discernment.
Ironically writing about words is difficult for me, even though I am a writer because we live in a hyper-sensitive culture with regards to words. This is something that I struggle with, and a topic I often look to the scriptures to for guidance and clarity. In today’s world, it often seems that everyone is weighing every single thing people say in order to pounce on them or to misconstrue and twist their meaning, or even worse, cancel them.
photo by Noah Black @noahblack
It seems as though people are just looking for a reason to be emotional or angry.
Don’t get me wrong, I firmly believe words have tremendous power. Words have the power to heal and to help, or to hurt and to harm. However, I also believe that we are living in a culture that slices and dices each and every single word used in order to divide and confuse, possibly in an attempt to establish relativity and eliminate absolutes.
This worldly perspective leaves many with a serious inability to discern right from wrong, kind from unkind, and truth from lies. Scripture is very clear, there are absolutes in our world. “Woe to those who call evil good, and good evil; who put darkness for light, and light for darkness; who put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!” (Isaiah 5:20)
God is not a god of relativity. He is a God of absolutes…whether we like it or not.
I also have a difficult time writing about intentionality because I believe it is a difficult thing to discern. How do I know a person’s heart and intentions behind what they are saying? Sometimes it is obvious by their behavior or non-verbal’s, but often we have no idea how someone actually feels about something or their intentions behind their words. More so, I don’t want others to judge or mis-judge the intentions behind my words, especially not without asking for clarification.
Yet, it happens all the time. We all are guilty of this from time to time. Some of us more often than others. Again, whether we like it or not, God’s word is clear, our intentions matter as much as our words because in God’s world, our words are representation of what is in our hearts.
“Do you not see that whatever goes into the mouth passes into the stomach and is expelled? But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person. For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander. These are what defile a person. But to eat with unwashed hands does not defile anyone.” (Matthew 15:17-20 ESV)
Words have the power to heal and to help, or to hurt and harm.
photo by Natalia Y. @foxfox
Words are obviously a key piece in the act of communicating, whether they are spoken, written, or done through sign language. We use words to share our feelings, our thoughts, our emotions, our strategies, our plans, etc., but words are only half of communicating. Websters defines communication as: “a process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior.”
A second critical part of communication, and something we have much less control over, is the reception of the words we are using in, as Webster’s says, that exchange of information. Is the listener receiving our message as we intended them to? Are we being understood? Do they understand our intentions behind what we are saying to them?
George Kohlrieser, Leadership & Organizational Behavior Professor at IMD, and hostage negotiator knows a thing or two about the power of words and shared some of his knowledge in the following article, what-do-your-words-say.
Kohlrieser says, “Using words effectively is what a high-performance leader must do every day. Words are one of your greatest tools to lead. They are the key to building, maintaining and ending relationships with others. Used with skill, each word can contain a power and energy that shifts mindsets, opens dialogue, motivates, inspires other people and even yourself. Used ineffectively, words can demotivate, discourage, disengage, and, in extreme cases, make someone ill.
Our words are powerful. They carry our thoughts, our ideas, our feelings and our intentions. In fact, in Greek logos means both word and container. Words contain our state of being, both positive and negative. A high performing leader is aware that the brain of those listening to them is resonating with their state of being. This creates a greater connection and deeper bond.
Words, more often than not, flow from the tongue without awareness. They can become a habit – as automatic as driving a car. Many times talking is running on autopilot, a playback of hollow statements made without full awareness. The result is that others do not listen.
When we really focus on the intention and the power of our words, something different happens. Self-awareness and self-regulation connects us with our feelings and inner world and to that of others. A clear understanding of what we want to convey with our words means that they are more likely to hit the “bull’s eye”. The listener feels connected to us and our intention and we to them. Psychologist James Lynch describes using words as “the sharing of thoughts, physical sensations, ideas, ideals, hopes and feelings”.
Without this awareness and self-regulation our words can be driven by anger, fear and negativity. By managing our emotional state our words are more likely to have the intended impact, whether positive or negative. In other words, do you say what you mean, and do you mean what you say?”
Our words can bring life or death to our relationships with others. They can harm our relationship with God. Our words can lead others to Christ and be their source of hope. The things we “say” on-line can be more harmful than the words we speak. Our words can affect the mental and physical health of ourselves and others.
We cannot always control how our words are received, or if they are misunderstood, but we can be diligent to think before we speak, keeping in mind, just because we can say something because it’s our right, doesn’t mean it is always right.
One last thought, in case you aren’t convinced yet, in my research for this post, I learned of the shortest story attributed to Ernest Hemingway. In just six words he connects powerfully to the reader. What is your reaction when you read these six words? “For sale: baby shoes, never worn.” (paraphrased from what-do-your-words-say.)
Not convinced our words matter to God? Here are just a few scripture references that speak to the importance of what comes out of our mouths. Proverbs 18:21 ESV, Ephesians 4:29 ESV, Proverbs 12:18 ESV, Matthew 12:36 ESV, Proverbs 15:1 ESV, Proverbs 16:24 ESV, James 1:26 ESV, Matthew 12:37 ESV, Colossians 4:6 ESV, Colossians 3:8 ESV, Luke 6:45 ESV, James 3:5 ESV, Malachi 2:17 NIV, Ecclesiastes 6:11 NIV …
Amy Grant - What You Heard
(Co-written with Natalie Hemby and Barry Dean)
